I keep meaning to post a wrap-up review of the 12x12 book, but I can't seem to make myself think about anything productive right now.
This whole divorce thing is really getting the best of me. I hesitate to show any weakness or really talk about it because of the whole mess surrounding it. I'm terrified that something I say can be used against me; that even telling the truth in a public way will get me in trouble.
I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted all the time, keeping this all inside of myself and acting like this well-adjusted, perfect mother. I push it all down in part to not break down in front of my daughter, but also in an effort to not make my friends uncomfortable.
I've settled into living at my parents' house, even unpacking some boxes, because I've come to terms with not having any other options. I've been passed over for jobs, I can't seem to save enough money to get myself anywhere, I'm living on the bare minimum. Even my etsy efforts have totally floundered; I haven't made a single sale.
I can't believe how much my ex still has the ability to get to me. He drops off the face of the planet, refusing to speak to me or see River just so that he won't have to deal with any uncomfortable topic I might bring up. It suits me fine to not have him around, but I know that's unfair for our daughter. I keep finding out about more lies that he's told me, and I can't believe how much it still hurts.
He talks a lot about being 'co-parents for River's sake', but it seems to boil down to me being honest and telling him about everything we're doing and him continuing to lie to me. When we're together and he's visiting River, he reverts right back into the overly-familiar relationship mode, and it's so hard to push out of that and keep everything at arm's length even though I KNOW he's still lying to me. I'm so tired.
I'm so tired of holding it together for River's sake. I'm so tired of being civil because I'm scared of what he could do to me if he really took legal action. I'm so tired of putting on a happy face for my family who are visibly and vocally uncomfortable about any emotional reaction I have. I'm so tired of getting myself up and dressed and out of the house every day because sitting at home means that I dwell. I'm so tired of going to therapy and having to talk through how 'wronged' I feel. I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of this aching feeling that hasn't left me for the past 4 months.
I have plenty of great things in my life, but everything seems to be overshadowed by this exhaustion.
Just another Single Hippie Feminist Full-Time Mother's Blog
Showing posts with label Update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Update. Show all posts
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, July 31, 2010
an update and more excuses
River is growing more every day, she's two months old now.
Between her and the move (and roommates), I don't have much time for updating the blog. I was hoping that I would be able to continue researching and writing well thought-out articles, but that doesn't seem to be possible. I'm a two-handed typer, and typing with one hand frustrates me so much that I give up before I get a full sentence written. I haven't been taking many pictures lately either. I know I should be taking them for myself so that I can always remember River as she is now, but I find that I'd much rather just sit with her, drinking her in, instead of looking at her through a viewfinder or on a digital camera screen.
Another issue is that it's summer... which means that I've gotten a little flighty... to say the least. I've been trying to make it to Bristol faire more often, bought a lot of tea products for some delicious iced tea (had my first glass today, it was amazing!), cleaning and unpacking whenever I can, and just being a mommy. Two of my friends also just got jobs at J's place of employment, plus he has a tentative raise and promotion in the works (they've told him that he's the best employee that they have and that they want to give him more responsibility).
Between her and the move (and roommates), I don't have much time for updating the blog. I was hoping that I would be able to continue researching and writing well thought-out articles, but that doesn't seem to be possible. I'm a two-handed typer, and typing with one hand frustrates me so much that I give up before I get a full sentence written. I haven't been taking many pictures lately either. I know I should be taking them for myself so that I can always remember River as she is now, but I find that I'd much rather just sit with her, drinking her in, instead of looking at her through a viewfinder or on a digital camera screen.
Another issue is that it's summer... which means that I've gotten a little flighty... to say the least. I've been trying to make it to Bristol faire more often, bought a lot of tea products for some delicious iced tea (had my first glass today, it was amazing!), cleaning and unpacking whenever I can, and just being a mommy. Two of my friends also just got jobs at J's place of employment, plus he has a tentative raise and promotion in the works (they've told him that he's the best employee that they have and that they want to give him more responsibility).
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Update goodness
Again, I haven't posted much here recently.. things have been busy.
We're still in the process of moving to our friend's house. Most of the stuff left at the old apartment is junk that needs to be thrown out, and most of the stuff that's necessary has already been moved. It makes it really hard to motivate ourselves to go to the old place and clean it out. Still, it needs to get done before the end of the month.
My birthday was on the 20th. I turned 23, so I'm almost a quarter of a century, but still considered a relatively young parent. I decided to postpone my birthday a day since J was working a double on my actual birthday. On the 21st we took a trip to Brookfield Zoo with two of our close friends, and later J and I went to Big Bowl with River along for a date night. The whole day went really well and we went to bed that night exhausted and satisfied.
I've also been finding it extremely difficult to type one-handed, maybe not difficult persay, but definitely time-consuming. That said, River just got bored of a friend's attempts to sooth her and needs a boob. Adios.
We're still in the process of moving to our friend's house. Most of the stuff left at the old apartment is junk that needs to be thrown out, and most of the stuff that's necessary has already been moved. It makes it really hard to motivate ourselves to go to the old place and clean it out. Still, it needs to get done before the end of the month.
My birthday was on the 20th. I turned 23, so I'm almost a quarter of a century, but still considered a relatively young parent. I decided to postpone my birthday a day since J was working a double on my actual birthday. On the 21st we took a trip to Brookfield Zoo with two of our close friends, and later J and I went to Big Bowl with River along for a date night. The whole day went really well and we went to bed that night exhausted and satisfied.
I've also been finding it extremely difficult to type one-handed, maybe not difficult persay, but definitely time-consuming. That said, River just got bored of a friend's attempts to sooth her and needs a boob. Adios.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Moooooving
Sorry for the multiple posts one after the other, I just wanted to limit having a huge post with multiple topics :-)
J and I had been living in a nice little rented one bedroom townhouse for a year. We rented it when he was at his last job, which was steady and with decent pay even though it made him miserable. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), right after the holiday season, J was laid off. It was bad news. We managed for three months without a steady form of income (he collected unemployment and did a couple side jobs for friends). Eventually he found the job he's at now, where he's super happy but wasn't making quite as much. We scraped by. Recently he did get a raise, and is now making about the same as, or maybe a little more than, his last job. It's awesome, but with paying the hospital bills and for our own insurance, we couldn't afford to renew our lease.
Two days ago we moved to an awesome three bedroom house that the parents of a friend of ours owns. Sounds awesome, right? well, it really is, but it kind of isn't. Yes, the house is big, our room is huge, and right now we're living just with our friend and kind of his girlfriend. For this month. Next month the rest of the group moves in. We'll end up with a total of 8 people living here! T and H live in the finished basement, C and V have the second bedroom, A has the third, and J, me, and River have the master suite. I know it's hard with the letters instead of names, but it works better for me on a public blog like this.
Cool thing is that we're all pretty hard-core gamers (I'm probably the least hard-core of the group), most of us are quiet shut-ins, and C, V, and A are all getting a lot more space from the move (they had been sharing a studio before). We've basically decided that it's a commune. Another good part is that whatever money we pay in rent that is above the mortgage payment, we get back to use on fixing up the house! Double plus because it not only makes it better for us living here, but helps my friend's parents sell it after we move out.
AND! my bedroom has green walls! WIN!
J and I had been living in a nice little rented one bedroom townhouse for a year. We rented it when he was at his last job, which was steady and with decent pay even though it made him miserable. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), right after the holiday season, J was laid off. It was bad news. We managed for three months without a steady form of income (he collected unemployment and did a couple side jobs for friends). Eventually he found the job he's at now, where he's super happy but wasn't making quite as much. We scraped by. Recently he did get a raise, and is now making about the same as, or maybe a little more than, his last job. It's awesome, but with paying the hospital bills and for our own insurance, we couldn't afford to renew our lease.
Two days ago we moved to an awesome three bedroom house that the parents of a friend of ours owns. Sounds awesome, right? well, it really is, but it kind of isn't. Yes, the house is big, our room is huge, and right now we're living just with our friend and kind of his girlfriend. For this month. Next month the rest of the group moves in. We'll end up with a total of 8 people living here! T and H live in the finished basement, C and V have the second bedroom, A has the third, and J, me, and River have the master suite. I know it's hard with the letters instead of names, but it works better for me on a public blog like this.
Cool thing is that we're all pretty hard-core gamers (I'm probably the least hard-core of the group), most of us are quiet shut-ins, and C, V, and A are all getting a lot more space from the move (they had been sharing a studio before). We've basically decided that it's a commune. Another good part is that whatever money we pay in rent that is above the mortgage payment, we get back to use on fixing up the house! Double plus because it not only makes it better for us living here, but helps my friend's parents sell it after we move out.
AND! my bedroom has green walls! WIN!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The flu is not fun.
Had a pretty bad day today. Got the flu or something similar... basically body aches, headache, nausea, shakes, and feeling like I was freezing! Even ended up with a fever (at least for me, I'm usually in the 96F range, I was in the 99's the one time I checked).
Worst part was that my boobs were in TONS of pain! Somehow it seemed like the body aches were amplified in my breasts. Made it hard not only to feed the baby, but to even so much as move from the bed!
I felt bad that J had to cancel all the plans that he had for the day (not just hanging-out type plans, but actually productive plans). He's been great about taking care of me, but he ended up losing the last day off he had for a little bit. Still, J is an amazing father! He took care of River and me all day.
I haven't really left the bed or gone downstairs at all today, we've just been laying in bed and watching Netflix (we just got it, and are still in our 2-week trail! it's been awesome since I've been spending so much time at home and the streaming video on xbox makes it worth the price). Right now he's even playing Left 4 Dead 2 with the volume super low.
At this point I'm just hoping that River doesn't catch this from me. Usually I'm a research maniac, but not so much when I'm sick. Does anyone know about getting sick while breastfeeding? From what I remember, I think it's better to continue breastfeeding and being close so that they'll get the antibodies. But I'm not sure.
Worst part was that my boobs were in TONS of pain! Somehow it seemed like the body aches were amplified in my breasts. Made it hard not only to feed the baby, but to even so much as move from the bed!
I felt bad that J had to cancel all the plans that he had for the day (not just hanging-out type plans, but actually productive plans). He's been great about taking care of me, but he ended up losing the last day off he had for a little bit. Still, J is an amazing father! He took care of River and me all day.
I haven't really left the bed or gone downstairs at all today, we've just been laying in bed and watching Netflix (we just got it, and are still in our 2-week trail! it's been awesome since I've been spending so much time at home and the streaming video on xbox makes it worth the price). Right now he's even playing Left 4 Dead 2 with the volume super low.
At this point I'm just hoping that River doesn't catch this from me. Usually I'm a research maniac, but not so much when I'm sick. Does anyone know about getting sick while breastfeeding? From what I remember, I think it's better to continue breastfeeding and being close so that they'll get the antibodies. But I'm not sure.
Monday, June 21, 2010
A day late fathers day post
Thanks to all the hustle and bustle yesterday, I wasn't able to make a fathers day post, and I really do want to share the awesomeness that is my husband and the father of my baby girl. Unfortunately, this isn't really that post.
The night before was another hard night for me. I had taken some benadryl before bed, so I was ridiculously groggy. River had woken up some time in the early morning hours, was having trouble latching on, and was getting quite fussy. Since I wasn't really able to wake up fully, I don't remember much of this, but apparently I was refusing to let J help with anything, saying that it was fathers day so he should get a full night of sleep. Eventually, with me crying, I let him change her diaper and help get us into bed. After that, River still would not latch or stop fussing, and I, in my Benadryl-induced stupor, kept getting more and more frustrated. I guess some craziness happened after that on my part (mostly half-asleep ramblings and a strange inability to differentiate sleep from wakefulness (according to J)).
One part that I do remember from that long night was J telling me that I shouldn't make a big deal about fathers day because he didn't even really feel like a dad. I know he's having a hard time right now because he's not able to feed the baby and she spends SO MUCH time eating! I know he feels helpless when she starts to get fussy and it's only mommy's boobs that can sooth her.
So, later in the day, I made a card for him with River's help (ok, I used traced her hand), and on the inside I wrote:
Unfortunately, J had to work through his first fathers day and I ended up going to my family's fathers day dinner with River. I was sad to spend the day separate.
Today is Gaming Day (basically, every monday, we have a group of friends over and play Warhammer, D&D, or WoW, though I haven't been playing much lately). He's downstairs with a big group of people while I am upstairs with little River who I am convinced is having a growth spurt because she WON'T STOP EATING! She starts fussing whenever she isn't attached.
This is a picture J took of River and me while we were napping on the couch. I love it.
The night before was another hard night for me. I had taken some benadryl before bed, so I was ridiculously groggy. River had woken up some time in the early morning hours, was having trouble latching on, and was getting quite fussy. Since I wasn't really able to wake up fully, I don't remember much of this, but apparently I was refusing to let J help with anything, saying that it was fathers day so he should get a full night of sleep. Eventually, with me crying, I let him change her diaper and help get us into bed. After that, River still would not latch or stop fussing, and I, in my Benadryl-induced stupor, kept getting more and more frustrated. I guess some craziness happened after that on my part (mostly half-asleep ramblings and a strange inability to differentiate sleep from wakefulness (according to J)).
One part that I do remember from that long night was J telling me that I shouldn't make a big deal about fathers day because he didn't even really feel like a dad. I know he's having a hard time right now because he's not able to feed the baby and she spends SO MUCH time eating! I know he feels helpless when she starts to get fussy and it's only mommy's boobs that can sooth her.
So, later in the day, I made a card for him with River's help (ok, I used traced her hand), and on the inside I wrote:
To the best baby daddy and kitty daddy,
I know you say you don't feel like much of a father yet,
But it's just because you are such a natural.
Love you so much,
Cheryl and River.
Unfortunately, J had to work through his first fathers day and I ended up going to my family's fathers day dinner with River. I was sad to spend the day separate.
Today is Gaming Day (basically, every monday, we have a group of friends over and play Warhammer, D&D, or WoW, though I haven't been playing much lately). He's downstairs with a big group of people while I am upstairs with little River who I am convinced is having a growth spurt because she WON'T STOP EATING! She starts fussing whenever she isn't attached.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Today and Some Observations
Just got back from the Highland Games! had an amazing time with some good friends. River and I are back home now, chilling in the amazing air conditioning, and EXHAUSTED! It was really hot and sunny out today, so I'm downing water while she nurses. I had meant to bring a camera to the games, but with everything else I've been carrying around it just got left behind.
I used my new sling for the first time. We decided to go with a Maya Sling from Cutie Poops and Bottoms because it seemed to be the most versatile and provide the best support for a newborn while being in the lower price range (I won't say cheap, because no baby carrier seems to be cheap!)
I've decided that my bobbies are my super power! No matter where I am, I have easy access to the best thing to feed my baby. They're also a great way to bond with her and sooth her. I never have to fully wake up to feed her at night (unless she's being a fuss-butt). And I don't have to carry around any bottles, formula, water, etc...
I decided that this post needed a picture, and I've found this breastfeeding picture beautiful for a while now :-)
Tomorrow River and I will be driving up to my parents' house, and then on to my grandparents' for fathers day ^.^ it'll be the first time introducing River to my extended family. Unfortunately, like today, J is pulling a double tomorrow... so that kinda sucks.
Well, I have a snoring baby asleep on my boob. Life is good.
I used my new sling for the first time. We decided to go with a Maya Sling from Cutie Poops and Bottoms because it seemed to be the most versatile and provide the best support for a newborn while being in the lower price range (I won't say cheap, because no baby carrier seems to be cheap!)
I decided that this post needed a picture, and I've found this breastfeeding picture beautiful for a while now :-)
Tomorrow River and I will be driving up to my parents' house, and then on to my grandparents' for fathers day ^.^ it'll be the first time introducing River to my extended family. Unfortunately, like today, J is pulling a double tomorrow... so that kinda sucks.
Well, I have a snoring baby asleep on my boob. Life is good.
Friday, June 18, 2010
To make this post interesting I have inserted River pics between every paragraph ^.^
Haven't really posted here in a while, mostly because there's nothing much to post about. I haven't left the house unnecessarily yet, only leaving for midwife and pediatrician appointments, so not much has happened. After the appointment we'll usually try to hit up somewhere for lunch and then the grocery store, but that's still too much for me..
Here's a pic of River and me in the hospital:
Otherwise, my mother has been over a few times, plus some close friends, but mostly I prefer to be by myself with the baby and the hubby.
Here's a pic of my mom and River:
I'm still sore, swollen, bleeding, and head-achy. Any time I do go anywhere I end up exhausted.There were two times that I had to call an early end to the errands we were trying to run after an appointment. It happens though, and I've been assured that everything I'm feeling is totally normal (doesn't make it hurt less though).
Here's a picture of J and River, he's a FANTASTIC DADDY!!!
I've been keeping a close eye on my mood since delivery. I had a lot of the indicators that I was more likely to get postpartum depression, but so far I seem to have been pretty lucky. I've had a couple crying jags, mostly related to frustration though (they were both when River was upset and I was exhausted), so those were pretty normal. Otherwise I just get a little overly sad when J has to go to work for a long day (like today). I think I've gotten off easy so far, especially compared to the antepartum depression I had earlier.
J and I have both gotten really good at using the computer while River is on us (she's a cuddly baby who tends to fuss whenever she's not being held). Here he is playing WoW:
I've gotten to the point though, where I don't think it's healthy to be sitting around at home and alone so much. I want to start showing River the world so that, at least when she's old enough to really absorb things, she'll be used to going out and experiencing everything. So.. tomorrow I'm planning on taking her to the Illinois Highland Games and Scottish Festival, and then sunday I'll be taking her to my family's Father's Day get-together. The really big thing here: I'll be doing these thing ON MY OWN. J is working an extremely hard 'week' (his week is most people's weekend since he works in entertainment).
Here's a picture of River in the hospital:
Since I have more pictures to share, I'm just going to make random statements to go between them :-)
Here's another picture of her in the hospital.. she's all pensive looking, and you can see the scratch she gave herself while the nurses were weighing her :-/
River looooves Kangaroo Care! She's a sucker for being nakey on someone's chest! (unfortunately the article I linked to associates Kangaroo Care with premature infants primarily and misses out on the benefits for babies who are at term.. but I'm too lazy to look for another article right now)
Here's a picture of River the day that we got her home. She's laying on one of the blankets I crocheted for her. Since she was still all flail-y we had to put mitties on her.
We couldn't believe how beautiful River was right when she was born! She looked just like a little baby! We had been bracing ourselves for some hideous monster-baby; all purple and covered in cottage cheesy-nasties. Instead she was pink, clean, breathed right away, gave a little cry to let us know she was ok, then snuggled up to me.
Here's another pic of her right after we got her home:
I'm out of random things to say, so here are some more pics:
Here are her chubby cheekies, I eat them for breakfast!!
Here she is in the Thirsties diaper we bought from an awesome local store called Cutie Poops and Bottoms! The owner was awesome and even gave us demonstrations of all the different cloth diaper options. We'll definitely be going back there! Seriously, if you live in the Chicago area check out this place! and if you don't, you can still order from them online!! Unfortunately we have her in 'sposies right now because the adjustable Thirsties covers we bought seem to be a bit large for her and she springs leaks out the sides. As soon as she gets a little bigger we'll be cloth diapering!!
Oh, and because it is awesome and I'm very proud of myself: here's a pic of breastfeeding! I HAVE MAGIC BOOBIES! You can't really see it in this picture, but I have some issues breastfeeding. This might be over sharing, but I think this is an issue that should be talked about more and people shouldn't feel alone. I have relatively small, flat nipples. River had a VERY HARD time latching on and still does. One of the night nurses at the hospital was particularly amazing! I mentioned momentarily that I was having a hard time getting her to latch, and she was instantly there with a ton of little toys to help. She was very pro-breastfeeding and wanted to make sure that I had everything I needed to be successful. The toy that worked: a nipple shield! It looks a bit like the nipple on a bottle, it fits over my areola and nipple and gives her something to latch onto. The only downside is that she doesn't seem to recognize my actual nipples any more, and only nurses with the shield on which can be a little awkward to juggle in public. It's a small price to pay for being able to feed my baby what's best for her!
I have to say that I'm a little disappointed with our pediatrician. The two times we've seen her she's made it a point to tell me that "it's really ok to supplement with formula." I've told her how I feel about supplementing and that it's really unnecessary as I don't mind breastfeeding and it's going well. The pediatrician in J's childhood doctor though, and the doctor for the rest of his immediate family, so he's willing to let some of her opinions slide. Since I just met her, I'm a little less at ease...
Anyways, that turned into a rant, so here's the picture:
Here's a pic of River and me in the hospital:
Otherwise, my mother has been over a few times, plus some close friends, but mostly I prefer to be by myself with the baby and the hubby.
Here's a pic of my mom and River:
I'm still sore, swollen, bleeding, and head-achy. Any time I do go anywhere I end up exhausted.There were two times that I had to call an early end to the errands we were trying to run after an appointment. It happens though, and I've been assured that everything I'm feeling is totally normal (doesn't make it hurt less though).
Here's a picture of J and River, he's a FANTASTIC DADDY!!!
I've been keeping a close eye on my mood since delivery. I had a lot of the indicators that I was more likely to get postpartum depression, but so far I seem to have been pretty lucky. I've had a couple crying jags, mostly related to frustration though (they were both when River was upset and I was exhausted), so those were pretty normal. Otherwise I just get a little overly sad when J has to go to work for a long day (like today). I think I've gotten off easy so far, especially compared to the antepartum depression I had earlier.
J and I have both gotten really good at using the computer while River is on us (she's a cuddly baby who tends to fuss whenever she's not being held). Here he is playing WoW:
I've gotten to the point though, where I don't think it's healthy to be sitting around at home and alone so much. I want to start showing River the world so that, at least when she's old enough to really absorb things, she'll be used to going out and experiencing everything. So.. tomorrow I'm planning on taking her to the Illinois Highland Games and Scottish Festival, and then sunday I'll be taking her to my family's Father's Day get-together. The really big thing here: I'll be doing these thing ON MY OWN. J is working an extremely hard 'week' (his week is most people's weekend since he works in entertainment).
Here's a picture of River in the hospital:
Here's another picture of her in the hospital.. she's all pensive looking, and you can see the scratch she gave herself while the nurses were weighing her :-/
River looooves Kangaroo Care! She's a sucker for being nakey on someone's chest! (unfortunately the article I linked to associates Kangaroo Care with premature infants primarily and misses out on the benefits for babies who are at term.. but I'm too lazy to look for another article right now)
Here's a picture of River the day that we got her home. She's laying on one of the blankets I crocheted for her. Since she was still all flail-y we had to put mitties on her.
Here's another pic of her right after we got her home:
Here are her chubby cheekies, I eat them for breakfast!!
Here she is in the Thirsties diaper we bought from an awesome local store called Cutie Poops and Bottoms! The owner was awesome and even gave us demonstrations of all the different cloth diaper options. We'll definitely be going back there! Seriously, if you live in the Chicago area check out this place! and if you don't, you can still order from them online!! Unfortunately we have her in 'sposies right now because the adjustable Thirsties covers we bought seem to be a bit large for her and she springs leaks out the sides. As soon as she gets a little bigger we'll be cloth diapering!!
Oh, and because it is awesome and I'm very proud of myself: here's a pic of breastfeeding! I HAVE MAGIC BOOBIES! You can't really see it in this picture, but I have some issues breastfeeding. This might be over sharing, but I think this is an issue that should be talked about more and people shouldn't feel alone. I have relatively small, flat nipples. River had a VERY HARD time latching on and still does. One of the night nurses at the hospital was particularly amazing! I mentioned momentarily that I was having a hard time getting her to latch, and she was instantly there with a ton of little toys to help. She was very pro-breastfeeding and wanted to make sure that I had everything I needed to be successful. The toy that worked: a nipple shield! It looks a bit like the nipple on a bottle, it fits over my areola and nipple and gives her something to latch onto. The only downside is that she doesn't seem to recognize my actual nipples any more, and only nurses with the shield on which can be a little awkward to juggle in public. It's a small price to pay for being able to feed my baby what's best for her!
I have to say that I'm a little disappointed with our pediatrician. The two times we've seen her she's made it a point to tell me that "it's really ok to supplement with formula." I've told her how I feel about supplementing and that it's really unnecessary as I don't mind breastfeeding and it's going well. The pediatrician in J's childhood doctor though, and the doctor for the rest of his immediate family, so he's willing to let some of her opinions slide. Since I just met her, I'm a little less at ease...
Anyways, that turned into a rant, so here's the picture:
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Life is Pretty Good
I've been having a hard time posting since River's birth. Not for lack of time, I've had plenty, but because I just find it so much easier to post when I have something to complain about!
J has been amazing. Not only through labor and delivery, but since then. Whenever I have any sort of issue, he's always there to take care of me. He changes practically all of the diapers (my abdominal muscles are still really sore) and takes River whenever I start getting frustrated. He is coping really well with the fact that River is almost always attached to me (she's a hungry little thing) and that feeding is just not something he can participate in at the moment (we're looking into borrowing or buying a pump). When he is holding her, I can't help but smile as he gets lost gazing at her, or does some of the stupidest things to try and get her to smile.
River has been amazing. She's a quiet little thing, and although she is hungry and can nurse for HOURS (literally, i'm not kidding) she's good about telling us that she's uncomfortable before breaking into a full-blown cry. I've already gotten pretty skilled in deciphering what's making her cry. There have only been a few times (I can still count them on one hand) where I've gotten frustrated, and most of that has just been because of sleep deprivation (she still has her days and nights flipped, and I'm not the best at napping during the day). She sleeps on my chest at night and I often find myself falling asleep while she nurses to wake up an hour later to her demanding more boob.
The only issues that I have are related to my physical recovery. It's going sloooowly. I'm still sore, shaky, bleeding, and overall feeling like I got hit by a truck. People who know me know that I have a really hard time with not being able to do something.. it just makes me want to do it more. Most also know that I have a really really hard time asking for help. J keeps being reminded of this when it takes a full blown breakdown on my part just to ask for some snuggles (as happened a couple nights ago).
Right now though, I have a sleeping baby on my chest and a computer in front of me. If J were at home instead of at work, all would be right with my world. And tomorrow is my 2-week followup appointment with my most favoritest midwife ^.^
J has been amazing. Not only through labor and delivery, but since then. Whenever I have any sort of issue, he's always there to take care of me. He changes practically all of the diapers (my abdominal muscles are still really sore) and takes River whenever I start getting frustrated. He is coping really well with the fact that River is almost always attached to me (she's a hungry little thing) and that feeding is just not something he can participate in at the moment (we're looking into borrowing or buying a pump). When he is holding her, I can't help but smile as he gets lost gazing at her, or does some of the stupidest things to try and get her to smile.
River has been amazing. She's a quiet little thing, and although she is hungry and can nurse for HOURS (literally, i'm not kidding) she's good about telling us that she's uncomfortable before breaking into a full-blown cry. I've already gotten pretty skilled in deciphering what's making her cry. There have only been a few times (I can still count them on one hand) where I've gotten frustrated, and most of that has just been because of sleep deprivation (she still has her days and nights flipped, and I'm not the best at napping during the day). She sleeps on my chest at night and I often find myself falling asleep while she nurses to wake up an hour later to her demanding more boob.
The only issues that I have are related to my physical recovery. It's going sloooowly. I'm still sore, shaky, bleeding, and overall feeling like I got hit by a truck. People who know me know that I have a really hard time with not being able to do something.. it just makes me want to do it more. Most also know that I have a really really hard time asking for help. J keeps being reminded of this when it takes a full blown breakdown on my part just to ask for some snuggles (as happened a couple nights ago).
Right now though, I have a sleeping baby on my chest and a computer in front of me. If J were at home instead of at work, all would be right with my world. And tomorrow is my 2-week followup appointment with my most favoritest midwife ^.^
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
After Birth
Throughout pregnancy, and even before it, it seems like every woman wants to share her stories about pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Everyone has their gruesome tales and their unasked for advice. Seriously, I've met people who go on for hours about whatever horror took place during their delivery, as if that was supposed to help me not be terrified for mine. But no one told me about what happened after!
There are even tons of websites devoted to pregnancy, most focusing on the baby, but some focusing primarily on the mother. And none of the websites that I was reading mentioned even momentarily what to expect for after labor. American Pregnancy Association, the website that I frequented most often because of its no-nonsense scientific approach to discussing pregnancy (though I wasn't so appreciative of their very gender-stereotypical advice for mom's partner), DID include a section on After Pregnancy, but this section focused only on the baby, with a small bit focusing on postpartum depression. Yes, PPD is very serious, and needs a lot of attention, but it's a hot topic. You can find information about it anywhere (hell, there's usually even an article about it on CNN's health section's top 5 articles).
What I didn't hear anything about was aftercare for any tears, about the bleeding, clotting, etc., about the soreness that stays with you for weeks, about the utter exhaustion that it never feels like you get a chance to recover from (after all, I'm this baby's only source of food), about the pelvic pain, about feeling like your organs are sloshing around in you, etc.
Keep in mind that I only called my midwives once during pregnancy, and that was to get their permission to travel to Michigan during my final trimester for a funeral. Otherwise, the midwives never heard from me except at scheduled visits. Since giving birth I have thought of calling them every day to ask if _____ was normal. It's only my usual procrastination that keeps me from calling. I'll wait and wait, trying to see if it will get better, until finally their office is closed and I can't talk myself into believing my issue is important enough to bother the on-call midwife.
It has been 11 days since River was born, and I'm still bleeding. Some of it is still bright red, some of it is rust colored. Yesterday I got lightheaded and blacked out in the shower, today I couldn't stand long enough to accompany J on a short grocery trip. My pelvis and tail bone still hurt, and so do my legs, arms, neck, head, etc. My abdominal muscles hardly work. There's other pain too, but I don't want to gross out the family members and in-laws that read this. Yes, I expected some of this, but the intensity and duration are already more that I was told to expect. Even in the hospital they didn't really prepare me for this.
The only mention of postpartum bleeding that I came across in my normal pregnancy and baby reading (meaning not without extra research and searching) came in my most recent American Baby Magazine (a free magazine that I magically started getting after becoming pregnant) that I actually received after leaving the hospital. Still, the article only mentions the bleeding, and manages to skip over the pain, the tears, the readjusting that your entire body is going through, etc.
Basically, I'm saying that there needs to be more attention paid to, and more information out there about, what happens to a woman after pregnancy. I hope that sharing a bit about what is happening to me helps some other women who read my blog.
Other than that, I have a sleeping baby on my chest, and it feels so good ^-^
There are even tons of websites devoted to pregnancy, most focusing on the baby, but some focusing primarily on the mother. And none of the websites that I was reading mentioned even momentarily what to expect for after labor. American Pregnancy Association, the website that I frequented most often because of its no-nonsense scientific approach to discussing pregnancy (though I wasn't so appreciative of their very gender-stereotypical advice for mom's partner), DID include a section on After Pregnancy, but this section focused only on the baby, with a small bit focusing on postpartum depression. Yes, PPD is very serious, and needs a lot of attention, but it's a hot topic. You can find information about it anywhere (hell, there's usually even an article about it on CNN's health section's top 5 articles).
What I didn't hear anything about was aftercare for any tears, about the bleeding, clotting, etc., about the soreness that stays with you for weeks, about the utter exhaustion that it never feels like you get a chance to recover from (after all, I'm this baby's only source of food), about the pelvic pain, about feeling like your organs are sloshing around in you, etc.
Keep in mind that I only called my midwives once during pregnancy, and that was to get their permission to travel to Michigan during my final trimester for a funeral. Otherwise, the midwives never heard from me except at scheduled visits. Since giving birth I have thought of calling them every day to ask if _____ was normal. It's only my usual procrastination that keeps me from calling. I'll wait and wait, trying to see if it will get better, until finally their office is closed and I can't talk myself into believing my issue is important enough to bother the on-call midwife.
It has been 11 days since River was born, and I'm still bleeding. Some of it is still bright red, some of it is rust colored. Yesterday I got lightheaded and blacked out in the shower, today I couldn't stand long enough to accompany J on a short grocery trip. My pelvis and tail bone still hurt, and so do my legs, arms, neck, head, etc. My abdominal muscles hardly work. There's other pain too, but I don't want to gross out the family members and in-laws that read this. Yes, I expected some of this, but the intensity and duration are already more that I was told to expect. Even in the hospital they didn't really prepare me for this.
The only mention of postpartum bleeding that I came across in my normal pregnancy and baby reading (meaning not without extra research and searching) came in my most recent American Baby Magazine (a free magazine that I magically started getting after becoming pregnant) that I actually received after leaving the hospital. Still, the article only mentions the bleeding, and manages to skip over the pain, the tears, the readjusting that your entire body is going through, etc.
Basically, I'm saying that there needs to be more attention paid to, and more information out there about, what happens to a woman after pregnancy. I hope that sharing a bit about what is happening to me helps some other women who read my blog.
Other than that, I have a sleeping baby on my chest, and it feels so good ^-^
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Quick Update before I pass out
Just got home from the hospital! Baby is BEAUTIFUL! we named her River.
I'll post more about everything when I get a chance, but the birth was amazing (though incredibly painful), unmedicated, and without any interventions. my midwife was FANTASTIC, and the hubby was AMAZING!
I'll post more about everything when I get a chance, but the birth was amazing (though incredibly painful), unmedicated, and without any interventions. my midwife was FANTASTIC, and the hubby was AMAZING!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Quick Update
For those of you who are watching my blog impatiently, waiting for me to pop... I'm still here, and still preggo :-(
Honestly, I hate pregnancy. I'm never going to be one of those women who love it, who reflect happily on the glow or having a baby in me. No, if I ever decide to have another kid, I think I'll adopt.
So here I am, still huge, still having painful contractions that aren't actual labor, still unable to walk or move around much thanks to my painful pelvis, still going to the bathroom ever half-hour because the baby's already dropped in my pelvis.
I know it's just a matter of time, and I'm not even at my due date yet, but I'm getting impatient. I'd rather not have so many of the uncomfortable pre-labor indicators if I'm not actually in labor!
So... today we went on a huge grocery shopping trip, tomorrow we have our Bradley class after J gets off work, friday we have nothing, saturday is our Baby Boot Camp class, and sunday is another nothing day. As much as I love Colleen and her classes, I'm ok with missing any of this if it means that I get to have the baby!
Honestly, I hate pregnancy. I'm never going to be one of those women who love it, who reflect happily on the glow or having a baby in me. No, if I ever decide to have another kid, I think I'll adopt.
So here I am, still huge, still having painful contractions that aren't actual labor, still unable to walk or move around much thanks to my painful pelvis, still going to the bathroom ever half-hour because the baby's already dropped in my pelvis.
I know it's just a matter of time, and I'm not even at my due date yet, but I'm getting impatient. I'd rather not have so many of the uncomfortable pre-labor indicators if I'm not actually in labor!
So... today we went on a huge grocery shopping trip, tomorrow we have our Bradley class after J gets off work, friday we have nothing, saturday is our Baby Boot Camp class, and sunday is another nothing day. As much as I love Colleen and her classes, I'm ok with missing any of this if it means that I get to have the baby!
My body is a tease
This is getting frustrated. My body is teasing me at this point.
Yesterday I woke up super early (5:30 AM, which is UNHEARD of for me, I'm a 10-hour a night kind of girl) and couldn't stop moving! I helped my mom clean, started a quilt, went out to a late lunch, and wandered around a mall for a few hours. I tried hard to stay calm and preserve the energy, sure that I would be going into labor at any minute. Instead, I ended up exhausted at the end of the day and with nothing more than the usual Braxton Hicks to show for it.
This morning I woke up a few times really early to some PAINFUL contractions! Again, I was sure that this was it, but I forced myself back to sleep so that I could maybe sleep through prelabor and some of the first stage. I laid in bed, squeezing J and practicing relaxing through the pain, and even managed to go back to sleep between the contractions. I made the mistake of assuming that I was still having contractions while I slept, but that some miracle was happening that let me sleep through the pain. Instead, after waking up, I decided to practice timing them and to see where I was at.... well, the contraction lasted 3.5 minutes, and another didn't come for an hour. So much for that. Now that I've gotten up and ate some graham crackers and soy protein stuff (I had a little upset stomach and didn't want to push it with any dairy) the contractions have pretty much stalled.
I'm getting so anxious to get this bugger out of me! Raspberry leaf tea seems to intensify the BH's to a point, so I'll keep downing that with copious amounts of honey... but other than the tea, I don't think there are any other home-remedies that I'm willing to try. So here's to another day of pregnancy >.<
Yesterday I woke up super early (5:30 AM, which is UNHEARD of for me, I'm a 10-hour a night kind of girl) and couldn't stop moving! I helped my mom clean, started a quilt, went out to a late lunch, and wandered around a mall for a few hours. I tried hard to stay calm and preserve the energy, sure that I would be going into labor at any minute. Instead, I ended up exhausted at the end of the day and with nothing more than the usual Braxton Hicks to show for it.
This morning I woke up a few times really early to some PAINFUL contractions! Again, I was sure that this was it, but I forced myself back to sleep so that I could maybe sleep through prelabor and some of the first stage. I laid in bed, squeezing J and practicing relaxing through the pain, and even managed to go back to sleep between the contractions. I made the mistake of assuming that I was still having contractions while I slept, but that some miracle was happening that let me sleep through the pain. Instead, after waking up, I decided to practice timing them and to see where I was at.... well, the contraction lasted 3.5 minutes, and another didn't come for an hour. So much for that. Now that I've gotten up and ate some graham crackers and soy protein stuff (I had a little upset stomach and didn't want to push it with any dairy) the contractions have pretty much stalled.
I'm getting so anxious to get this bugger out of me! Raspberry leaf tea seems to intensify the BH's to a point, so I'll keep downing that with copious amounts of honey... but other than the tea, I don't think there are any other home-remedies that I'm willing to try. So here's to another day of pregnancy >.<
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Update and such
Well, yesterday's drama about Better Homes and Gardens was interesting! If you didn't see the two posts, check them out!
BHaG is Anti-Breastfeeding
and:
BHaG Article Update
It felt awesome just to know that bloggers and other internet-present-people can really make change just by speaking up. The fact that I got a public apology in the comments on the second article really made my day!
Yesterday
Otherwise, yesterday was one of the more busy days that I've had lately, which isn't really saying a lot since I never seem to do anything anymore. We had our midwife appointment in the morning where we met with another of the midwives who might be called in if I go into labor when our main midwife is out of town. Again, she seemed really nice, but we still definitely prefer Cynthia!
After that, we went to Flat Top Grill to get a good meal in me since I've been too tired and achey to do any real cooking at home. I'd never been to a Flat Top, and it was delicious! I can't wait to eat the leftovers!
We decided to skip grocery shopping, even though it was pretty high on our to-do list, and even managed to space out on doing laundry. Instead, we had our group of gamer friends come over for some Warhammer. I don't really play since I'm so distracted, but J and his friends had a great time, and I got some time playing World of Warcraft ^.^
The whole day was peppered with some nice, strong, more-uncomfortable-than-painful Braxton Hicks contractions (though by definition BH's don't accomplish anything, and the pre-labor contractions I've been feeling are very likely thinning and effacing my cervix) as well as some slight cervical spasms. Still, these things are nothing new, just slowely getting more and more intense.
Today
This morning I woke up around 5:30 AM after my normal (at least lately) 2-hr sleep schedule between peeings. I think I got a total of 6 hours of sleep. Maybe. Still, woke up to pee and started feeling very anxious, like I had a ton of things that I had to do right then. Still, I made myself lay in bed until J had to get up to go to work (another two hours) and got up with him.
Unfortunately, no matter how much there is for me to do, my pelvis hurts so much that I can barely move. Instead of cleaning, doing dishes and laundry, picking up around the house, organizing everything, or any of the other hundred things I can think of to do, I've been cutting out little 4x4in squares of fabric to use for my first attempt at quilting. I know I probably won't have time to finish the project, nor do I really have the drive, but I needed to do something.
Luckily, with all the feeling like I need to get things done, my mom is on her way over here to help me clean a little. I feel really weird about her cleaning my house, but it needs to get done. I know J doesn't really like the idea either, but he's so exhausted from work that I hate to ever ask him to do it when I can't.
So... Yeah. Hope everyone else in the blogosphere is having a good day ^-^
BHaG is Anti-Breastfeeding
and:
BHaG Article Update
It felt awesome just to know that bloggers and other internet-present-people can really make change just by speaking up. The fact that I got a public apology in the comments on the second article really made my day!
Yesterday
Otherwise, yesterday was one of the more busy days that I've had lately, which isn't really saying a lot since I never seem to do anything anymore. We had our midwife appointment in the morning where we met with another of the midwives who might be called in if I go into labor when our main midwife is out of town. Again, she seemed really nice, but we still definitely prefer Cynthia!
After that, we went to Flat Top Grill to get a good meal in me since I've been too tired and achey to do any real cooking at home. I'd never been to a Flat Top, and it was delicious! I can't wait to eat the leftovers!
We decided to skip grocery shopping, even though it was pretty high on our to-do list, and even managed to space out on doing laundry. Instead, we had our group of gamer friends come over for some Warhammer. I don't really play since I'm so distracted, but J and his friends had a great time, and I got some time playing World of Warcraft ^.^
The whole day was peppered with some nice, strong, more-uncomfortable-than-painful Braxton Hicks contractions (though by definition BH's don't accomplish anything, and the pre-labor contractions I've been feeling are very likely thinning and effacing my cervix) as well as some slight cervical spasms. Still, these things are nothing new, just slowely getting more and more intense.
Today
This morning I woke up around 5:30 AM after my normal (at least lately) 2-hr sleep schedule between peeings. I think I got a total of 6 hours of sleep. Maybe. Still, woke up to pee and started feeling very anxious, like I had a ton of things that I had to do right then. Still, I made myself lay in bed until J had to get up to go to work (another two hours) and got up with him.
Unfortunately, no matter how much there is for me to do, my pelvis hurts so much that I can barely move. Instead of cleaning, doing dishes and laundry, picking up around the house, organizing everything, or any of the other hundred things I can think of to do, I've been cutting out little 4x4in squares of fabric to use for my first attempt at quilting. I know I probably won't have time to finish the project, nor do I really have the drive, but I needed to do something.
Luckily, with all the feeling like I need to get things done, my mom is on her way over here to help me clean a little. I feel really weird about her cleaning my house, but it needs to get done. I know J doesn't really like the idea either, but he's so exhausted from work that I hate to ever ask him to do it when I can't.
So... Yeah. Hope everyone else in the blogosphere is having a good day ^-^
Monday, May 24, 2010
BHaG article update
VICTORY! BHaG apologist for their article where they condemned breastfeeding in restaurants and deleted that section from the article! All the negative feedback that BHaG received after the article was published really made a difference! We need to keep working to make sure that breastfeeding mothers are comfortable no matter where they go.
Here's the apology in their own words:
and here is a link to the new article and the apology:
The 9 Commandments Of Dining With Little Kids
Here's the apology in their own words:
Editor's note: We apologize for the patently inappropriate sections, which we have removed from the post. We support breastfeeding moms -- and all moms -- in their desire to include their children in their public lives. We pledge to do better in the future in both the tone and content of our posts. We will be posting our positive parenting tips for eating out soon.
and here is a link to the new article and the apology:
The 9 Commandments Of Dining With Little Kids
Saturday, May 22, 2010
My battle with antepartum depression.
I've been really horrible about updating here. I get a good post in about once a week, and otherwise I can't motivate myself to make coherent posts (or do much of anything else). About once a day I'll open up the new post page and just sit there, with nothing to say. I've been like this about a lot of stuff actually.
I've been having a hard time with depression during pregnancy (or antepartum depression). Basically, the hormonal changes in my body are bringing on a reemergence of the horrible depressive episodes I had in high school. I've had no motivation to do much more than sleep and eat. Since I don't have motivation to actually get up and do anything, that means that I'm eating processed junk more than anything, since it's the easiest to just grab without having to cook. It means that I only made 4 felties in the past two weeks, and only one crocheted boob. It means the house is a mess. It means that J comes home from work, asks what I did that day, and I say nothing because I really did nothing. It means that the slightest thing makes me cry.
I know that these feelings are hormonally based. Unlike during my depressive episodes in high school, there is nothing triggering these, there are no excuses for my mood. I just feel down. I know that J is getting frustrated with it. He asks me what is wrong all the time. I feel horrible because I know that he's just looking for some way to make me feel better, I know that he's frustrated. He reminds me all the time that the pregnancy is almost over, that soon I'll have my baby in my arms and she won't be playing with my hormonal buttons all the time.
I'm trying to take the time to enjoy little happy moments right now. I've been trying to get myself to whip out the camera and smile. I've rearranged all of the baby's things and played with her toys to try to bring myself out of this. I've talked to my midwife and my hubby, and short of therapy (which I don't have money for and don't think will help since it's hormonally based) or medication (which has never worked well for me in the past) there's nothing that can really be done.
I also worry about postpartum depression. I know that people who have depression issues earlier in life, especially during pregnancy, are much more likely to have postpartum depression. I have this vision of me, happy, with a newborn, enjoying all the little moments in life, but a part of me knows that this is not very likely. I'm more likely to be sitting at home doing nothing every day, much like I am now, except with a crying, pooping, needy baby.
There's a lot of attention given to postpartum depression, especially in the media. It's great that there is so much information about it floating around, but there is almost no time given to antepartum depression. I hope that by posting, at least someone else out there might not feel so alone when dealing with it.
I've been having a hard time with depression during pregnancy (or antepartum depression). Basically, the hormonal changes in my body are bringing on a reemergence of the horrible depressive episodes I had in high school. I've had no motivation to do much more than sleep and eat. Since I don't have motivation to actually get up and do anything, that means that I'm eating processed junk more than anything, since it's the easiest to just grab without having to cook. It means that I only made 4 felties in the past two weeks, and only one crocheted boob. It means the house is a mess. It means that J comes home from work, asks what I did that day, and I say nothing because I really did nothing. It means that the slightest thing makes me cry.
I know that these feelings are hormonally based. Unlike during my depressive episodes in high school, there is nothing triggering these, there are no excuses for my mood. I just feel down. I know that J is getting frustrated with it. He asks me what is wrong all the time. I feel horrible because I know that he's just looking for some way to make me feel better, I know that he's frustrated. He reminds me all the time that the pregnancy is almost over, that soon I'll have my baby in my arms and she won't be playing with my hormonal buttons all the time.
I'm trying to take the time to enjoy little happy moments right now. I've been trying to get myself to whip out the camera and smile. I've rearranged all of the baby's things and played with her toys to try to bring myself out of this. I've talked to my midwife and my hubby, and short of therapy (which I don't have money for and don't think will help since it's hormonally based) or medication (which has never worked well for me in the past) there's nothing that can really be done.
I also worry about postpartum depression. I know that people who have depression issues earlier in life, especially during pregnancy, are much more likely to have postpartum depression. I have this vision of me, happy, with a newborn, enjoying all the little moments in life, but a part of me knows that this is not very likely. I'm more likely to be sitting at home doing nothing every day, much like I am now, except with a crying, pooping, needy baby.
There's a lot of attention given to postpartum depression, especially in the media. It's great that there is so much information about it floating around, but there is almost no time given to antepartum depression. I hope that by posting, at least someone else out there might not feel so alone when dealing with it.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Another Midwife Visist
Had another midwife visit on monday, this time it was with my favorite midwife again ^.^ The main purpose of the visit was to talk about what will happen when I go into labor. The midwives group I see recommends laboring as long as possible at home, so I'll be waiting till my contractions are 3-5 minutes apart before heading to the hospital (if the midwive's office is open, I'll be leaving a little earlier to get checked out at the office). My GBS test came back negative, so I don't need an IV during labor, which is great. Otherwise it was a pretty boring visit, and boring visits are good.
Other than that life has been boring. J has been working a lot, and since I'm at term (not due, but ready to pop) I haven't been borrowing his car. The days that J is off, we usually spend sitting at home since he's exhausted and sick (I seem to have managed to stave off the worst of the cold, while he's had the full thing). I bought J a gift online for being my hero and going to work while he's sick. I'm just waiting for it to get here (i'll have to post pictures and such when it's finally here).
Not much else to talk about, just been crafting lately and sitting around waiting to pop. I just wanted to update and let people know that I'm around ^.^
Other than that life has been boring. J has been working a lot, and since I'm at term (not due, but ready to pop) I haven't been borrowing his car. The days that J is off, we usually spend sitting at home since he's exhausted and sick (I seem to have managed to stave off the worst of the cold, while he's had the full thing). I bought J a gift online for being my hero and going to work while he's sick. I'm just waiting for it to get here (i'll have to post pictures and such when it's finally here).
Not much else to talk about, just been crafting lately and sitting around waiting to pop. I just wanted to update and let people know that I'm around ^.^
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Horrible about updating, again.
Yup, another post where I apologise profusely for not updating more often >.<
This week has been hectic and extremely boring at the same time. I spent four and a half days without leaving my house. Literally. I think I stepped outside twice to get the mail. Over that time I haven't really accomplished much of anything at all. I've started work on a new line of felties, most of which I probably already have a buyer for, or I might just keep them for myself (they're so cute that they're hard to get rid of!). The picture here is of some of the first felties line. They're all purchased now, but I loved them lots while they were mine!
I'm officially 37 weeks along! All of a sudden I seem to be overly-in tune with my body. I keep pausing at random moments or whenever I have a Braxton Hicks to see if I'm in labor. I know I'm not and that I'm just over reacting, but it's hard not to. I'm so ready to give birth and get the little monster out of me!
J (the hubby) is super sick right now. He's been sick for most of the week with a horrible head cold. He's my hero and keeps going to work and doing everything he needs to do to be ready for the baby, even though most of the time he's stumbling through everything. Unfortunately I seem to be getting the same cold >.< I already have a horribly sore throat and plugged ears even though I've been loading up on the vitamin C. I really REALLY don't want to go into labor with a sore throat! I need to get over this, fast.
Yesterday was my grandfather's funeral. He passed a week ago, and it was definitely his time to go. The funeral was nice. It was a military funeral, complete with a folding of the flag and a 21 gun salute. Unfortunately, it was also 3 hours away in Decatur, MI. I called my midwife ahead of time to get permission, and even though she said it was fine to go, I was still a little nervous about being so far away from J and the midwives. I think the best part of the day was getting to spend time with my cousin's baby, definitely did not help the baby cravings though! My cousin is so lucky to have the most gorgeous, well-behaved baby in the world! She didn't even cry when they shot off the guns.
Today J is at work again, after pulling 12+ hour shifts on both Friday and Saturday >.< Luckily he gets off earlier today so we're going to go get some Sweet Tomatoes (an awesome buffet restaurant that has some great home-made soups!) to sooth our sore throats.
I'm officially 37 weeks along! All of a sudden I seem to be overly-in tune with my body. I keep pausing at random moments or whenever I have a Braxton Hicks to see if I'm in labor. I know I'm not and that I'm just over reacting, but it's hard not to. I'm so ready to give birth and get the little monster out of me!
J (the hubby) is super sick right now. He's been sick for most of the week with a horrible head cold. He's my hero and keeps going to work and doing everything he needs to do to be ready for the baby, even though most of the time he's stumbling through everything. Unfortunately I seem to be getting the same cold >.< I already have a horribly sore throat and plugged ears even though I've been loading up on the vitamin C. I really REALLY don't want to go into labor with a sore throat! I need to get over this, fast.
Yesterday was my grandfather's funeral. He passed a week ago, and it was definitely his time to go. The funeral was nice. It was a military funeral, complete with a folding of the flag and a 21 gun salute. Unfortunately, it was also 3 hours away in Decatur, MI. I called my midwife ahead of time to get permission, and even though she said it was fine to go, I was still a little nervous about being so far away from J and the midwives. I think the best part of the day was getting to spend time with my cousin's baby, definitely did not help the baby cravings though! My cousin is so lucky to have the most gorgeous, well-behaved baby in the world! She didn't even cry when they shot off the guns.
Today J is at work again, after pulling 12+ hour shifts on both Friday and Saturday >.< Luckily he gets off earlier today so we're going to go get some Sweet Tomatoes (an awesome buffet restaurant that has some great home-made soups!) to sooth our sore throats.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Today's Midwife Appointment
Turns out that I'm already 35 1/2 weeks!! O.O on the 17th I meet with Cynthia (my awesome-tastic midwife) to talk about what will happen the day of labor and delivery. I can't wait to get the baby out of my abdomen and into my arms, but I still worry about having a natural birth and whether or not I'm strong enough (not that I have much of a choice!).
I got to meet another of the midwives at the practice I've been going to. She was awesome and very nice, but we still love Cynthia bestest! The good thing is, since there is a amll period around my due date where Cynthia won't be able to attend our birth, we do like everyone at the assocation.
We also got a chance to ask a few more questions that came up when we met with the OB. The midwives do not induce labor until 42 weeks at the earliest, unless there are other reasons to believe that the baby is in distress (too little amniotic fluid, slowed heart rate, etc.), so that's really refreshing. They also have such a low episiotomy rate that they can't really make it into a percent (the midwife I talked to today has attended thousands of births and only done 4 episiotomies). Other than that I just did my Group B Strep test, listened to the heartbeat, found out that I haven't gained any weight in the past two weeks, and left. The best visits are the uneventful ones :-)
I have my Bradley method childbirth class tonight, and am starting to have some issues with the workbook material.. mostly that they cite rediculously outdated studies and seem to talk about Dr. Bradley like he's some sort of childbirth prophet. That said, I like that they engage the partner and encourage natural childbirth. I love that the teacher/doula that I take classes from gives us updated materials and encourages us all to think about what is best for us personally. (Here is the doula's blog: Thoughts from a Doula and website: Rights of Passage)
I'm also working on another potentially paid crafting project! I swear I'm going to start my etsy page one of these days, I'm just getting all the real-world contracts that I can first. Right now it's crocheting BOOBS for my teacher/doula and some of her acquaintances to use as lactation awareness aids. I'll also be making some of my feltimals (simple felt stuffed animals) for her prize bin. Unfortunately the first boob that I attempted came out kind of wonky, and not in a way that could be passed off as "every boob is different" wonky :-/ I'll be borrowing one of her current lactation-aid boobs tonight to use as a pattern.
We're also considering whether or not we should hire a doula for our labor and delivery. Honestly, we love our midwife to death and would probably be more comfortable with less people around. J and I have always found immense comfort and relaxation in just being together alone and able to concentrate on eachother. We also really don't know that we can afford to throw another expense in at the moment. Colleen (the teacher/doula) has been amazing and offered to do some bartering, and I know intellectually that we should have another person there who is a professional and can help us advocate for the birth that we want, but I really don't think there are going to be any issues with Cynthia as our midwife. As great as advice on this subject would be, I really think J and I are going to have to make this decision on our own.
I got to meet another of the midwives at the practice I've been going to. She was awesome and very nice, but we still love Cynthia bestest! The good thing is, since there is a amll period around my due date where Cynthia won't be able to attend our birth, we do like everyone at the assocation.
We also got a chance to ask a few more questions that came up when we met with the OB. The midwives do not induce labor until 42 weeks at the earliest, unless there are other reasons to believe that the baby is in distress (too little amniotic fluid, slowed heart rate, etc.), so that's really refreshing. They also have such a low episiotomy rate that they can't really make it into a percent (the midwife I talked to today has attended thousands of births and only done 4 episiotomies). Other than that I just did my Group B Strep test, listened to the heartbeat, found out that I haven't gained any weight in the past two weeks, and left. The best visits are the uneventful ones :-)
I have my Bradley method childbirth class tonight, and am starting to have some issues with the workbook material.. mostly that they cite rediculously outdated studies and seem to talk about Dr. Bradley like he's some sort of childbirth prophet. That said, I like that they engage the partner and encourage natural childbirth. I love that the teacher/doula that I take classes from gives us updated materials and encourages us all to think about what is best for us personally. (Here is the doula's blog: Thoughts from a Doula and website: Rights of Passage)
I'm also working on another potentially paid crafting project! I swear I'm going to start my etsy page one of these days, I'm just getting all the real-world contracts that I can first. Right now it's crocheting BOOBS for my teacher/doula and some of her acquaintances to use as lactation awareness aids. I'll also be making some of my feltimals (simple felt stuffed animals) for her prize bin. Unfortunately the first boob that I attempted came out kind of wonky, and not in a way that could be passed off as "every boob is different" wonky :-/ I'll be borrowing one of her current lactation-aid boobs tonight to use as a pattern.
We're also considering whether or not we should hire a doula for our labor and delivery. Honestly, we love our midwife to death and would probably be more comfortable with less people around. J and I have always found immense comfort and relaxation in just being together alone and able to concentrate on eachother. We also really don't know that we can afford to throw another expense in at the moment. Colleen (the teacher/doula) has been amazing and offered to do some bartering, and I know intellectually that we should have another person there who is a professional and can help us advocate for the birth that we want, but I really don't think there are going to be any issues with Cynthia as our midwife. As great as advice on this subject would be, I really think J and I are going to have to make this decision on our own.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Huge Picture-Filled Update
I've been horrible about updating again, but this time I have an excuse: the computer that I normally use at home (a huge desktop tower) has gotten this horrible trojan virus that masquerades as an antivirus program and blocks access to EVERYTHING. it sucks. And the laptop, which is normally the hubby's computer, has a sticky space bar, which is the most annoying thing to type on.
Oh, and I suddenly find myself busy again! ACEN is coming up and a friend is having me work on his costume at the last minute :-/, and the awesome doula who runs the childbirth classes I am taking is having me crochet some boobies!!! They're going to be used as aids for lactation awareness and breastfeeding classes. I'll be making multi-racial boobs first, then eventually making boobs with inverted nipples, clogged ducts, engorged boobs, small boobs, droopy boobs, etc, etc... it's going to be awesome! Talk about a craft market that I never considered before! I've been tapering off the costuming contracts, partially because my sewing machine is wonky and keeps eating fabric and partially because it's just too hard for me to cut out pattern pieces and work around a table (i'm HUGE, or at least I feel HUGE!).
The birthing class I'm taking has us all start a pregnancy nutrition diet. To be honest (sorry Colleen), it annoyed me a lot at first (I'm a junky eater with no money for much better than mac n cheese and hot dogs), but it's helped me keep track of what I'm eating, I just don't know if I can afford another expensive can of protein powder since I have to go through so much of it since I don't really eat much meat. ANYWAYS, I didn't mean to complain so much, the point of mentioning the diet is to brag about the dinner I made myself!
I saute'd potatoes, carrots, broccoli, corn, and almonds with olive oil and seasonings. It was DELICIOUS. I just can't imagine cooking like that every day. I know some people can, and some people enjoy it, I'm just not one of those people. I'm lazy and I know it. Now if only I could get myself to do those stretches >.<
Lately I find myself freaking out over the baby coming and not having enough ready (I'm not sure i'll every feel 'ready'). This has led to a lot of frantic crafting and organizing on my part. Here are some of the things I've been working on. I've been stuck on a crochet streak since it seems to be the easiest with my low energy levels and my huge tummy.
This is the first blanket I've every crocheted. It has huge spaces between the stitches so that the baby will be comfortable in the summer. Unfortunately, I didn't think ahead and buy a large hook for the large stitches, so the blanket is also incredibly uneven, but has a sort of hand-made charm to it. It's made of the Sugar'n Cream brand's new stripes yarn in green and white.
When I was little i always needed something to do with my hands, and I still do. I also always needed to have some sort of comforting object around. I crocheted little cloths out of more Sugar'n Cream yarn. The larger has some huge buttons on it for when the baby is teething or needs something colorful to fiddle with. If she doesn't end up liking them, they'll make great washcloths too ^.^
I also made a baby cocoon. For those of you who aren't familiar with them, they're another way to swaddle a baby and make sure that she doesn't hit herself in the face while she's sleeping before her coordination has developed. For the picture, there's a stuffed lamb in it pretending to be a baby. Extra thanks to my aunt Linda for the stuffed animals she gave me (they'll show up in more pictures a little lower.).
This is my current crochet project. It's another blanket, this time made yellow and green yarns (the colors didn't photograph so well >.< ) and the proper sized hook so it will hopefully turn out square and even.
I'm tempted to sell crocheted things on etsy, but I'm not sure that I'm willing to put in all the time it takes to make these things with how little they will sell for. unfortunately the market is so permeated by machine-knitted things that people are not really willing to spend the money on something that is hand made and takes forever to make.
In a frantic effort to convince myself that I am ready for the baby, I've done some nesting. Unfortunately my comfort and energy levels haven't been enough to let me actually CLEAN the house, but I've worked on putting all the baby things together and in order of size:
I cleared off a set of shelves and used it for all the baby-appropriate books and assorted toys we've acquired so far.
The top shelf is a couple of dragon needlepoints that a friend made me a while ago and I framed. It also has the adult books that are child appropriate and a couple very old childrens books. Unfortunately the Tolkein collection, which I will be reading my child from birth, did not fit on these shelves and aren't pictured.
The second shelf has a plushy version of our cat that we got at ACen last year, my stuffed bunny from when I was a baby, and the assorted children's books that I've gotten from a used book store near us. My favorite is Not A Box by Antoinette Portis. I was really into playing pretend as a child and this book is all about a bunny playing pretend with a box. it rocks my socks.
The third shelf is full of stuffed animals from my aunt (the giraffe and the bear), a few toys I've bought (the lion mirror, the cow rattle/teether, and the linkies), the sun that used the hang over my crib when I was a baby, and two wooded teethers from etsy. I posted before about the 'I love you' ASL teether in both my Sign Language Post as well as a Featured Seller Post. It's from an awesome Etsy.com seller; EcoAyris. The smaller teether is a squirrel from Etsy seller Little Sapling Toys.
And below the shelves, this awkward giraffe sits :-) I have a thing for awkwardly cute animals.
Along the same lines, I organized all the baby things in the closets. I sorted them all by size >.<
This organizer hangs in the closet and is acting as a stand-in dresser until I can get my old changing table-dresser from my family (they're jewish and don't believe in giving me baby things until the baby is here so as not to jinx it). If you look really carefully, you can see the Star Wars onesie on the fourth shelf down :-) now I just need a Lord of the Rings onesie to balance the hubby's nerdiness. Almost everything in this organizer was bought by us at Goodwill or Salvation Army or made by me.
All of these were gotten by my mom and my grandmother. They're crazy shoppers. I'm pretty sure my grandmother would be pissed if she knew that my mom already let me take these clothes home but my mother needed the closet space.
Here are the rest of our baby supplies so far. There's a wipes case, wipes, baby soap, as well as disposable and reusable diapers.
I've also been doing a lot of child-centered reading, here are the three things I'm working on right now:
There's The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer, Baby Sign Language Basics (I'm using it to teach the hubby sign and to brush up on my own skills) by Monta Z Briant, and the most adorable manga I've ever seen: Yotsuba&! vol. 3 by Kiyohiko Azuma.
Also, here's an obligatory baby belly pic and a pic of me. The dress I'm wearing is the only thing that still fits me and manages to cover my belly >.< everything else is too short now.
I'm generally a pretty tiny person, so the bump really stands out. I've caught retail workers with a terrified look on their faces, I'm sure they think I'm probably ready to pop! and honestly, I feel like I am.
And then there's this horrible facebook-style picture... really just because I realized there aren't any recent pics of me floating around the web and I wanted to show off my badly dreaded hair (i'm too lazy!) and my newly acquired acne (never had it during puberty, it decided to show up during pregnancy).
And last but not least, since my cat always insists on being the center of attention and it's impossible to take any pictures without taking at least one of him:
He likes sniffing and rubbing on my childbirth class binder because it came from a house with a dog :-) oh, and you can get a glimpse of our AWESOME COW PRINT OFFICE CHAIR in the upper right.
So yeah, THE END!
Oh, and I suddenly find myself busy again! ACEN is coming up and a friend is having me work on his costume at the last minute :-/, and the awesome doula who runs the childbirth classes I am taking is having me crochet some boobies!!! They're going to be used as aids for lactation awareness and breastfeeding classes. I'll be making multi-racial boobs first, then eventually making boobs with inverted nipples, clogged ducts, engorged boobs, small boobs, droopy boobs, etc, etc... it's going to be awesome! Talk about a craft market that I never considered before! I've been tapering off the costuming contracts, partially because my sewing machine is wonky and keeps eating fabric and partially because it's just too hard for me to cut out pattern pieces and work around a table (i'm HUGE, or at least I feel HUGE!).
The birthing class I'm taking has us all start a pregnancy nutrition diet. To be honest (sorry Colleen), it annoyed me a lot at first (I'm a junky eater with no money for much better than mac n cheese and hot dogs), but it's helped me keep track of what I'm eating, I just don't know if I can afford another expensive can of protein powder since I have to go through so much of it since I don't really eat much meat. ANYWAYS, I didn't mean to complain so much, the point of mentioning the diet is to brag about the dinner I made myself!
Lately I find myself freaking out over the baby coming and not having enough ready (I'm not sure i'll every feel 'ready'). This has led to a lot of frantic crafting and organizing on my part. Here are some of the things I've been working on. I've been stuck on a crochet streak since it seems to be the easiest with my low energy levels and my huge tummy.
I'm tempted to sell crocheted things on etsy, but I'm not sure that I'm willing to put in all the time it takes to make these things with how little they will sell for. unfortunately the market is so permeated by machine-knitted things that people are not really willing to spend the money on something that is hand made and takes forever to make.
In a frantic effort to convince myself that I am ready for the baby, I've done some nesting. Unfortunately my comfort and energy levels haven't been enough to let me actually CLEAN the house, but I've worked on putting all the baby things together and in order of size:
The top shelf is a couple of dragon needlepoints that a friend made me a while ago and I framed. It also has the adult books that are child appropriate and a couple very old childrens books. Unfortunately the Tolkein collection, which I will be reading my child from birth, did not fit on these shelves and aren't pictured.
Along the same lines, I organized all the baby things in the closets. I sorted them all by size >.<
I've also been doing a lot of child-centered reading, here are the three things I'm working on right now:
Also, here's an obligatory baby belly pic and a pic of me. The dress I'm wearing is the only thing that still fits me and manages to cover my belly >.< everything else is too short now.
And last but not least, since my cat always insists on being the center of attention and it's impossible to take any pictures without taking at least one of him:
So yeah, THE END!
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