When has it been "long enough"?

I'm in a weird spot right now. I have been separated from my daughter's father since early December. While he still makes me incredibly angry, I am starting to finally actually look around and see that there are other people out there who might... you know... be worth my time.

I'm torn... I really want to be back in the world, meeting people and going on dates, but I'm not sure how much I'm ready for.

Most of the anger at my ex is over his continued lying and the fact that he consistently chooses his own comfort and desires over even seeing his daughter. Yeah, it's been almost 3 weeks since he's last seen her, and he's disappeared for two other weeks before this. One of those weeks he told me that he was on a trip to 'contemplate his mistakes'... just more lies.


Still, I worry that his ability to effect me emotionally means that I'm not ready to consider anyone else in my life.

It's also hard because River is so constantly attached to me. It's not like I can leave her with her grandparents and expect her to even be able to nap, she needs to breastfeed to sleep. While I would expect anyone I dated to be ok with River, I couldn't ask someone to always have her around.. the relationship needs to be about the two adults first, I'm not looking for a father for her or something.

In happier news: River has an uncle. A friend of mine who is surprisingly amazing with her decided that he's her uncle. I'm cool with that :-)

River's health concerns

Recently, I took a hiatus from blogging that lasted longer than anticipated. It began due to some scares we had with River's health. Specifically, she fell off the weight charts. Not like she was low on it, not like she was just a little underweight, she had NO CURVE. She was growing in length, she seemed ok mentally and was developing well, but she was SKINNY.

River in October, 2010

Now, I'm no large person. Actually, I have a pretty standard explanation that I have to give doctors along the lines of, "no, I'm not anorexic or bulimic, I'd love to gain weight, but I just can't seem to." That said, I didn't really panic when she was seeming skinnier than most.

It took some pretty, in my opinion, immature behavior on the part of my family to make me finally see that there was a real issue with her weight. Specifically, during a family trip, my entire extended family apparently 'had a discussion' about River's weight, and while they were all perfectly fine with critiquing my parenting decisions (specifically attachment parenting) none of the talked to me about her weight. Instead, after everyone got home from the trip, my grandmother called me and my mother had a discussion with me about it.

They were right, she was underweight and was starting to look sick because of it. So I took her to the doctor. The doctor wanted us to see a specialist, but during the wait for my (now) ex to get insurance, I changed her diet and she started gaining weight regularly again. We still don't have insurance (thanks to the ex), but she's gaining so steadily that our family practitioner is satisfied with just keeping a close eye on her to make sure that she doesn't plateau again.

More recently, look at those cheeks!

I'm not going to get into the whole ex thing yet, that's a post all its own.

Anyways, after the first visit, my mother decided to tell me that one of my uncles had actually threatened to call DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) on us because of her weight. There is some disagreement about whether he was actually earnest or was just offering to drop the shoe to get me to take River to the doctor (which I guess they didn't think I would do for some reason). Either way, he seemed to think it was a valid threat to make, and my mother seemed to think the threat was needed even after the fact.

Needless to say I WAS LIVID. It was a medical issue, we took her to the doctor as soon as someone talked to me about it in a serious way and I realized that there actually was an issue, and in NO way should that warrant a call to DCFS. Not to mention the fact that my uncle's son has ALWAYS been larger than normal, so he doesn't exactly have a standard basis of comparison.

Setting all bitching aside, River is now steadily gaining weight and is approaching a normal weight, looking healthier, showing no developmental setbacks, and has some amazing chubby baby cheeks! Now I just make sure that she's eating at least three big meals per day, getting a variety of foods, and continuing to gain.

(only a couple days after the first doctor appointment, when we were still terrified, was when I found out my ex was cheating on me >.< it was quite a blow)

an update and more excuses

River is growing more every day, she's two months old now.

Between her and the move (and roommates), I don't have much time for updating the blog. I was hoping that I would be able to continue researching and writing well thought-out articles, but that doesn't seem to be possible. I'm a two-handed typer, and typing with one hand frustrates me so much that I give up before I get a full sentence written.  I haven't been taking many pictures lately either. I know I should be taking them for myself so that I can always remember River as she is now, but I find that I'd much rather just sit with her, drinking her in, instead of looking at her through a viewfinder or on a digital camera screen.

Another issue is that it's summer... which means that I've gotten a little flighty... to say the least. I've been trying to make it to Bristol faire more often, bought a lot of tea products for some delicious iced tea (had my first glass today, it was amazing!), cleaning and unpacking whenever I can, and just being a mommy. Two of my friends also just got jobs at J's place of employment, plus he has a tentative raise and promotion in the works (they've told him that he's the best employee that they have and that they want to give him more responsibility).

The Dreaded Baby Shower :-)

I haven't posted in a while, mostly out of sheer insane busyness.

The 10th was the dreaded baby shower. I have to admit that it went surprisingly well! We did the onesie decorating activity that was featured on OffbeatMama.com and everyone loved it. I didn't get too much that was obnoxious and pink, just a few things.

One problem I had was with what appeared to be critiques of my parenting style. I've been practicing attachment parenting and on-demand feeding. This basically means that River is on me all the time and she's usually got a boob in her mouth. Unfortunately, the only time these parenting styles seem to be an issue instead of an amazing thing is when I'm around family. They all want to hold River all the time! I'm sorry, but when River is asking for food, telling me she's hungry, I'd rather get her the food she wants before she starts crying instead of waiting until she's too worked up to suck properly. When River is asleep and using my boob as a pacifier, I'm not about to break that and wake her up. I got a lot of comments from people who were amazed about how much I let her nurse and how attached she is to me. It might have been paranoia, but it really felt like everyone was critiquing my parenting decisions. At one point I even had to tell someone that my parenting decisions are not up for discussion.

Otherwise things went really well! J's family mostly stayed separate from mine except during the decorating activity, but I've learned to accept that as probably being for the best. I forgot my camera, so I spent the day without a lens in front of my face, again probably for the best. And River even slept through most of it!

I did get a surprisingly long period of time without River attached to me, for the first time since she was born! My grandmother (aka: Momo) has some serious baby super-powers! The second she holds River, River is passed out on her shoulder! I couldn't believe it! I tried to take major advantage of the time but kept finding myself going back to check on River and make sure she really was ok.

Well, sorry I don't have any pictures! I'll take pics of the onesies when I get them back from my mom.

Baby Shower Finally Figured Out ^.^

This is a follow-up to my post HERE about my baby shower frustrations.

My mother decided to throw me a baby shower now that little River is here. This follows some of the Jewish tradition by waiting until after the baby was born, and still lets me have a baby shower. My husband and some other men of our generation were invited and are expected to attend, which we're really glad about. We're sad that there weren't even numbers of men and women invited, but there would have been if space was not a concern. I'm really glad that my mom took some of my advice and is planning on having the Onesie Decoration Activity.

As far as buying things for the baby goes, we went ahead and got most of the things that we felt we needed already. There were a few things that we decided that we didn't need that my MIL (mother in law) got us (another case of 'knowing better'). But either way, there's not much left that we need. Honestly, I'm kind of happy about this, because I ended up getting a lot of the stuff used or super-cheap, and because it means that I can register for things that I want and wouldn't otherwise get (like a baby-food making system).

(this is mostly just in response to my old post, not really associated with the shower any more) I have to say, now that I had the natural birth that I was planning, I've been getting an amazingly positive response! I think the fact that so many people who did not think I could do it has led to some real surprise! Although I have been corrected that not ALL of my family was unsupportive, I have to say I wish that there was more positivity when I was pregnant instead of just after I had proven I could do it.

I'm just hoping now that family members can be supportive of my parenting choices. I've heard some disparaging remarks about on-demand-feeding and cosleeping, but am set on the decisions I've made. Although I think the 15-min every 2 hours schedule might be easier on the mom, I don't think this is the best route for babies. Babies do not live by a schedule.

The issues with the MIL not wanting to plan the shower and complaining about the wedding shower have not quite been quelled, though we are getting there. She came to visit for dinner one day last week, and started complaining about some family friends that had not been invited. Please keep in mind that my mother was the one planning the shower, and that space was a concern when we pared down the guest list. Instead of staying silent and letting her complain like I normally do, I spoke up and told her that if she had thrown the shower herself, that she could have invited anyone that she wanted. I honestly can't believe I said that, I can say things like that to strangers and friends, but I have never been able to speak up like that to my in-laws! Still, I'm glad I did, and it worked. For that visit she didn't have anything else to say. Still, when we talked to her recently, she started up with pointing out that our registry info wasn't listed on the invites, etc...

All-in-all, I have to say that I'm actually looking forward to the shower! I think it'll be a good chance for everyone to get to meet River! I just have to get used to other people holding her and giving me all their parenting advice.

A day late fathers day post

Thanks to all the hustle and bustle yesterday, I wasn't able to make a fathers day post, and I really do want to share the awesomeness that is my husband and the father of my baby girl. Unfortunately, this isn't really that post.

The night before was another hard night for me. I had taken some benadryl before bed, so I was ridiculously groggy. River had woken up some time in the early morning hours, was having trouble latching on, and was getting quite fussy. Since I wasn't really able to wake up fully, I don't remember much of this, but apparently I was refusing to let J help with anything, saying that it was fathers day so he should get a full night of sleep. Eventually, with me crying, I let him change her diaper and help get us into bed. After that, River still would not latch or stop fussing, and I, in my Benadryl-induced stupor, kept getting more and more frustrated. I guess some craziness happened after that on my part (mostly half-asleep ramblings and a strange inability to differentiate sleep from wakefulness (according to J)).

One part that I do remember from that long night was J telling me that I shouldn't make a big deal about fathers day because he didn't even really feel like a dad. I know he's having a hard time right now because he's not able to feed the baby and she spends SO MUCH time eating! I know he feels helpless when she starts to get fussy and it's only mommy's boobs that can sooth her.

So, later in the day, I made a card for him with River's help (ok, I used traced her hand), and on the inside I wrote:

To the best baby daddy and kitty daddy,


I know you say you don't feel like much of a father yet,


But it's just because you are such a natural.


Love you so much,


Cheryl and River.

Unfortunately, J had to work through his first fathers day and I ended up going to my family's fathers day dinner with River. I was sad to spend the day separate.

Today is Gaming Day (basically, every monday, we have a group of friends over and play Warhammer, D&D, or WoW, though I haven't been playing much lately). He's downstairs with a big group of people while I am upstairs with little River who I am convinced is having a growth spurt because she WON'T STOP EATING! She starts fussing whenever she isn't attached.

This is a picture J took of River and me while we were napping on the couch. I love it.

To make this post interesting I have inserted River pics between every paragraph ^.^

Haven't really posted here in a while, mostly because there's nothing much to post about. I haven't left the house unnecessarily yet, only leaving for midwife and pediatrician appointments, so not much has happened. After the appointment we'll usually try to hit up somewhere for lunch and then the grocery store, but that's still too much for me..

Here's a pic of River and me in the hospital:

Otherwise, my mother has been over a few times, plus some close friends, but mostly I prefer to be by myself with the baby and the hubby.

Here's a pic of my mom and River:

I'm still sore, swollen, bleeding, and head-achy. Any time I do go anywhere I end up exhausted.There were two times that I had to call an early end to the errands we were trying to run after an appointment. It happens though, and I've been assured that everything I'm feeling is totally normal (doesn't make it hurt less though).

Here's a picture of J and River, he's a FANTASTIC DADDY!!!

I've been keeping a close eye on my mood since delivery. I had a lot of the indicators that I was more likely to get postpartum depression, but so far I seem to have been pretty lucky. I've had a couple crying jags, mostly related to frustration though (they were both when River was upset and I was exhausted), so those were pretty normal. Otherwise I just get a little overly sad when J has to go to work for a long day (like today). I think I've gotten off easy so far, especially compared to the antepartum depression I had earlier.

J and I have both gotten really good at using the computer while River is on us (she's a cuddly baby who tends to fuss whenever she's not being held). Here he is playing WoW:

I've gotten to the point though, where I don't think it's healthy to be sitting around at home and alone so much. I want to start showing River the world so that, at least when she's old enough to really absorb things, she'll be used to going out and experiencing everything. So.. tomorrow I'm planning on taking her to the Illinois Highland Games and Scottish Festival, and then sunday I'll be taking her to my family's Father's Day get-together. The really big thing here: I'll be doing these thing ON MY OWN. J is working an extremely hard 'week' (his week is most people's weekend since he works in entertainment).

Here's a picture of River in the hospital:

Since I have more pictures to share, I'm just going to make random statements to go between them :-)

Here's another picture of her in the hospital.. she's all pensive looking, and you can see the scratch she gave herself while the nurses were weighing her :-/

River looooves Kangaroo Care! She's a sucker for being nakey on someone's chest! (unfortunately the article I linked to associates Kangaroo Care with premature infants primarily and misses out on the benefits for babies who are at term.. but I'm too lazy to look for another article right now)


Here's a picture of River the day that we got her home. She's laying on one of the blankets I crocheted for her. Since she was still all flail-y we had to put mitties on her.

We couldn't believe how beautiful River was right when she was born! She looked just like a little baby! We had been bracing ourselves for some hideous monster-baby; all purple and covered in cottage cheesy-nasties. Instead she was pink, clean, breathed right away, gave a little cry to let us know she was ok, then snuggled up to me.

Here's another pic of her right after we got her home:

I'm out of random things to say, so here are some more pics:

Here are her chubby cheekies, I eat them for breakfast!!

Here she is in the Thirsties diaper we bought from an awesome local store called Cutie Poops and Bottoms! The owner was awesome and even gave us demonstrations of all the different cloth diaper options. We'll definitely be going back there! Seriously, if you live in the Chicago area check out this place! and if you don't, you can still order from them online!! Unfortunately we have her in 'sposies right now because the adjustable Thirsties covers we bought seem to be a bit large for her and she springs leaks out the sides. As soon as she gets a little bigger we'll be cloth diapering!!

Oh, and because it is awesome and I'm very proud of myself: here's a pic of breastfeeding! I HAVE MAGIC BOOBIES! You can't really see it in this picture, but I have some issues breastfeeding. This might be over sharing, but I think this is an issue that should be talked about more and people shouldn't feel alone. I have relatively small, flat nipples. River had a VERY HARD time latching on and still does. One of the night nurses at the hospital was particularly amazing! I mentioned momentarily that I was having a hard time getting her to latch, and she was instantly there with a ton of little toys to help. She was very pro-breastfeeding and wanted to make sure that I had everything I needed to be successful. The toy that worked: a nipple shield! It looks a bit like the nipple on a bottle, it fits over my areola and nipple and gives her something to latch onto. The only downside is that she doesn't seem to recognize my actual nipples any more, and only nurses with the shield on which can be a little awkward to juggle in public. It's a small price to pay for being able to feed my baby what's best for her!

I have to say that I'm a little disappointed with our pediatrician. The two times we've seen her she's made it a point to tell me that "it's really ok to supplement with formula." I've told her how I feel about supplementing and that it's really unnecessary as I don't mind breastfeeding and it's going well. The pediatrician in J's childhood doctor though, and the doctor for the rest of his immediate family, so he's willing to let some of her opinions slide. Since I just met her, I'm a little less at ease...

Anyways, that turned into a rant, so here's the picture:

Life is Pretty Good

I've been having a hard time posting since River's birth. Not for lack of time, I've had plenty, but because I just find it so much easier to post when I have something to complain about!

J has been amazing. Not only through labor and delivery, but since then. Whenever I have any sort of issue, he's always there to take care of me. He changes practically all of the diapers (my abdominal muscles are still really sore) and takes River whenever I start getting frustrated. He is coping really well with the fact that River is almost always attached to me (she's a hungry little thing) and that feeding is just not something he can participate in at the moment (we're looking into borrowing or buying a pump). When he is holding her, I can't help but smile as he gets lost gazing at her, or does some of the stupidest things to try and get her to smile.

River has been amazing. She's a quiet little thing, and although she is hungry and can nurse for HOURS (literally, i'm not kidding) she's good about telling us that she's uncomfortable before breaking into a full-blown cry. I've already gotten pretty skilled in deciphering what's making her cry. There have only been a few times (I can still count them on one hand) where I've gotten frustrated, and most of that has just been because of sleep deprivation (she still has her days and nights flipped, and I'm not the best at napping during the day). She sleeps on my chest at night and I often find myself falling asleep while she nurses to wake up an hour later to her demanding more boob.

The only issues that I have are related to my physical recovery. It's going sloooowly. I'm still sore, shaky, bleeding, and overall feeling like I got hit by a truck. People who know me know that I have a really hard time with not being able to do something.. it just makes me want to do it more. Most also know that I have a really really hard time asking for help. J keeps being reminded of this when it takes a full blown breakdown on my part just to ask for some snuggles (as happened a couple nights ago).

Right now though, I have a sleeping baby on my chest and a computer in front of me. If J were at home instead of at work, all would be right with my world. And tomorrow is my 2-week followup appointment with my most favoritest midwife ^.^

Feminism vs Faminism??? WTF?

Just came across a horrible article in The New York Observer: Faminist Theory.

The article creates a completely bogus divide between  feminists and any woman who has a family. It ignores the fact that feminism is just as much about the right to not have children and a family, as it is about being able TO have children and a family.

"The feminist battleground, with its slogans, marches, and campaigns for reproductive rights, has given way to the playground and the fight for lactation rights, stroller rights, school-system rights, unpasteurized milk rights, charter schools, birthing techniques, nutritional value of bagged lunches and water quality. It is not so much about the Fem as it is about the Fam."

This quote probably angers me the most. It is basically arguing that all of these things, because they are not about postponing childbirth, are not feminist issues. The article is completely misleading! Lactation rights, birthing techniques, VBAC's, etc. are all FEMINIST ISSUES! The right to HAVE children is just as much a reproductive right as the right NOT TO. Feminists fought for years against involuntary sterilizations (there was a huge epidemic of unconsented sterilizations of poor and colored women that went on for years) and eugenics, and continue to fight for rights to all the previously listed causes as well as rights to paid maternity leave, health care that covers reproductive rights, etc.

No man has to worry about whether or not he will be able to breastfeed in public, have the natural or unnatural birth that he wants, or be forced into yet another cesarean. Some amazing feminist men fight for these rights, but it is mostly is female feminists who fight for these causes, and the fights are most commonly against men. Just because someone's personal priorities change from career to family does not mean that they stop being feminists.

“Women are defining themselves more by their families than they are by themselves,” said Pamela Paul, a 39-year-old mother of three in Harlem and author of Parenting Inc. “It’s no longer about something as selfish and self-advancing as abortion or the pill.”

I strongly resent the idea that since people do not openly talk about abortion rights, we are somehow past the need to fight for them. I don't know about other mothers out there, but my pregnancy experience has made me MORE supportive of reproductive rights! I would not wish the past 9 months on anyone who didn't choose it for themselves. It's also my opinion that if someone doesn't support abortions, it's easy enough not to get one. Instead of forcing our beliefs on other people, we should be content with making our own decisions based on our own beliefs.

I also resent the idea that fighting for access to abortions or the pill is somehow selfish. I think that waiting until you are physically, emotionally, and financially prepared to have children is beyond unselfish. I think that making sure that your child can grow up with everything they need is incredibly important. They ignore the fact that most abortions are received by women who already have children. They ignore the fact that many of these women who are choosing to have families now once used the pill and made a conscious decision to have children, which in my mind makes them all the more special.

As a supposed 'reference' to this change from feminism to faminism, they have a slideshow of '9 Women Who Prefer Prams to Politics'. Instead of including any meaningful images that might have strengthened their weak arguments, they included pictures of 9 random celebrity mothers toting around their children. The worst part was that they even included pictures of celebrity mothers who CONTINUE to work on global politics beyond reproductive justice and family rights. They imply that, by having a family, these women have given up fighting for any other causes. It's incredibly demeaning to limit a woman's identity to only that of a mother. I'm sorry, I'll be a mother, I'll be a mother first and foremost, but I'll still be a feminist, hippie, vegetarian, liberal woman.

The article talks a lot about the younger age that women are deciding to begin their families. They completely ignore larger socioeconomic reasons that more women are having children now. The fact is that it is harder and harder for both partners in a relationship to be employed, and that it makes sense to take time where you would not otherwise be able to work and to have children. I know this played into our decision to have a child. Since I was unable to find employment since graduating anyways, and since my husband was able to support us (though just barely), we made the decision to take this time to start a family. 

This last quote is the most ridiculous, rude, presumptuous part of the article:

"In Ms. Jong’s time, women were protesting compulsory motherhood; now, it seems, they are not protesting anything at all—they are too busy mopping up crumbs."

 I said it earlier, and I'll say it again, just because a woman is a mother does not mean that she stops being anything else.

To make such false divides in a movement is nothing short of an attempt at sabotage.  It's pitting two groups against each other in an attempt to create a weaker movement overall.

I'm making a vow now, especially in light of this recent article, to attend as many rallies, protests, demonstrations, etc. with my daughter in tow. Not just to show people that women with children do still care, but to show my daughter that it is possible to make real change and that political involvement extremely important.

My particular baby shower issues

I could easily make a huge, long post here about the sexist issues surrounding traditional baby shower practices.. But this isn't a widely read feminist blog, this is the personal blog of a feminist, so here are my particular issues, grievances, and situations. That said, I'm sorry if I offend anyone in this post, specifically family members who may stumble across my blog, but I feel the need to be honest. Please keep in mind that this is my space to air out any venomous rationalizations and get my thoughts in order.

There are numerous issues surrounding a baby shower for me.

The first IS the inherently sexist nature that is apparent in most baby showers. It's typically a bunch of women sitting around, which in itself discredits fathers, and engaging in completely gendered activities depending on the prospective sex of the baby. Not to mention that those activities tend to be either really really lame (like baby shower bingo) or slightly nauseating (I really don't understand the obsession with melting candy bars into diapers). The one activity that I LOVE is from OffbeatMama.com where they talk about letting all the guests decorate onesies for the baby (the post is here). The issue with this activity, at least for me, is that my families seem to think that gendering our child is absolutely necessary, and for the sake of the sanity of our little-one, they will do it against our wishes. There's also another Offbeat Mama post on baby showers that I love, but I really can't see anyone in my family participating in or enjoying any of the suggested offbeat activities.

I'm sorry, my husband is going to be just as engaged as a parent as I am. Hell, I completely expect my baby to be daddy's girl (she already kicks more when he's around). There is no way that I am going to any baby shower that excludes him. The baby is just as much a part of him as a part of me.

Another issue I keep running into is the Jewish tradition of postponing baby showers until the baby is here. It's not an issue with the tradition or the paranoia surrounding it, I completely understand. The issue is that J and I need to have started making the large baby purchases like a crib, etc. a long time ago in order to be able to afford them. Nothing on my registry has been listed as having been purchased so I have no idea what I'm going to have to run around and buy at the last minute. It's driving me a little crazy. Plus, since no one uses the registry or communicates about purchases, I know that two people have already bought rocking chairs that are not returnable >.< it's frustrating.

I also find the lack of familial support for natural childbirth completely disheartening. I know I should brush it off, but when people who usually give good advice and have experienced childbirth personally tell me that unmedicated childbirth is impossible or not worth the effort it's hard to not get disheartened. There are a good number of people who think that my desire for a natural birth is 'cute' but that the second I get into labor, I'll be screaming for the meds. And they tell me this. Loudly. I'm sorry, but my understanding was that family was supposed to support each other in their decisions no matter what they are. Not try to tear you down before you even get a chance to try. Yep, thanks for supporting me family!

I left this section for last on purpose... I'm hesitant to post this, but it's probably the biggest issue on my mind about the shower and it's really frustrating me. My inlaws tend to have some very strong opinions and get easily offended when things don't go the way that they think they should.

Some background: before my wedding, my mother in-law (MIL) decided that she would like to throw the wedding shower. Unknown to me, two of my aunts also decided that they would like to be the ones to throw a shower. Since my MIL was the first to tell me, and wasn't very involved in the wedding-planning, J and I decided to essentially 'give' her the party. Instead, she ceded the party planning to my aunts. Her choice. I fought for her. She never tried to contact my aunts and possibly plan something together.

All the women on her side of the family (women only, not my decision) were invited to the shower, but only two came, most of the rest did not even bother to RSVP. Again, Not Our Fault.

Only after the wedding did I start to hear the complaints that the MIL had about the whole shower thing. Now, because she was not involved in the wedding shower planning, she refuses to include herself in the baby shower planning or even plan anything her self. It seems like she's even a little offended that my family is following the Jewish tradition and not holding a shower until after the baby is here.

I just don't understand, if she was so upset about how the shower went, why she didn't say anything or take the offer to hold it, and why she's so set on repeating the whole experience with the baby shower. Instead she has set herself up to be angry again if her family is not invited and completely included in whatever shower plans develop (and it doesn't even seem like anything is actually developing). Still, this seems to be how she likes things, even within her own family she always seems to want to have something to complain about..

So, sorry if my post offended any family members, but these are the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind lately and I am not going to apologize for posting honestly. Any advice from fellow mama-bloggers would be greatly appreciated..

My week thus far

I think that one of the biggest reasons that I don't post more often here, is that I just don't think that my life is worth reading about. And then I kick myself. Most of the blogs that I keep up on are other mommy-blogs where the writer posts about their daily lives. It might seem strange, but I'm pretty isolated, and these blogs help me know that I'm not alone. They help a lot. So... here's my life this week so far:

Monday was a fun day. J has off work on mondays, so any preggo-related appointments are usually scheduled for then. We had our biweekly midwife appointment in the morning, and met with a different midwife in the practice than we normally do. We intend to have our favorite midwife attend the birth, but there is a chance that she might be out of town or someone else might have to step in, so we need to start meeting the other midwives so there are no surprises. Although all the midwives in the practice are AWESOME (!!!), we really do have our hearts set on our favorite! Anyways, the visit went really well, weight gain, blood pressure, iron count, and measurements are spot on and the baby is SUPER active. Seemed like she was fighting back against the midwife!

      After the midwife visit, we went home and rested for a little bit, and then headed back out to the same area to go to a 7:00 PM hospital orientation class. Apparently it's required in order to use the Alternative Birthing Rooms. They were AWESOME! In Illinois, midwife attended home births are illegal, and there are no real birth centers, so midwife attended Alternative Birthing Centers inside of hospitals are the only alternative to a full O.B. attended hospital birth. The rooms are fantastic though, they have a queen size bed, a private bathroom and shower, a birth tub, birthing ball, birthing stool-thing, TV, fridge, microwave, etc... etc... I'd almost say that it'd better than birthing at home, with all the stuff that's there and the fact that you don't have to worry about any messes later on. Also, for my first preganancy and my blood pressure issues, there is some comfort in being in the hospital.
       The hospital visit ended with J locking the keys in the car and having to get a super-awesome security guard to help him break in. Luckily we don't care too much about his crappy old car. After that, we went out with some friends to a local Denny's and tried to pretend that we are still young and hip and can stay up late. I almost fell asleep in the booth. It was fun to see people, and these are some of our favorite people, but I've been so tired since becoming pregnant.

Tuesday I managed to not leave the house AT ALL. J was at work for most of the afternoon/evening, and I managed to finish crocheting the baby cocoon that I was working on and start on a baby blanket :-) unfortunately I think I still need 3 - 4 more skeins of the yarn I'm using to finish the blanket (I had intended to make something small and simple out of it, and changed my mind at the last minute). I'll have to take pictures of the cocoon to post here, but I'm not sure it'll register so well without a baby in it. It's basically a safer blanket, it's made like a hat, but you slide the baby in feet first. It is used to swaddle the baby comfortably and keep her from hitting herself in the face.

Yesterday J worked again, but this time had a morning shift. I worked on the blanket some more, and watched Precious for the first time. I  had read the book Push, by Sapphire, in college and was amazed at the honesty and courage in the book. I have to say, I was not let down by the movie! Plus, in the special features, they went through and explained why they changed some of the things that they did (most of the reasoning was just so that it would make it into theaters, if they had all the horrific scenes straight from the book, it would NEVER have been seen by so many people). It was also great to see the author talking about her work.
      After J got home from work, we went out to dinner with some friends. Treated them to some delicious Chinese food and LOTS of tea ^.^ I'm a tea freak, but that's a topic for another post. It was fantastic and really refreshing. I've been feeling super-isolated with the pregnancy, and even though none of my friends are also pregnant and all my parent friends live too far away for random visits, visiting with this group is fun and refreshing. Oh, and did i mention Chinese food, cause that's important! It was delicious.

Today is aiming to be a pretty full day. We have some errands to run, including the trip to JoAnns to get more of that awesome yarn for the blanket and dropping off a check for our health insurance. Then we have to stop at my MIL's (Mother In-Law's) house to drop something off and to help my BIL (Brother In-Law, you get the idea) make a blog of his own. After that it's onward to my first birthing class! I'm super excited to be learning from an awesome doula who's totally connected online. We've chatted a couple times via facebook, and I always love reading the links she posts to current birth and pregnancy-related articles. I'm really excited for the class and can't wait to meet some other preggo women and discuss some very important and controversial topics.

WooHoo! Wasn't that a FUN look into my life!

Need to Post!

I have a lot of intentions for this blog. It's almost unfortunate. There's a list sitting next to the keyboard where I routinely write down whatever comes to mind for entry topics, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere with actually writing them! I'd really like to get most of this down by the time the baby is here, partially as a way to remember for later, and partially as a way to remind myself that I'm not alone in this. I don't have any friends that I see on a regular basis who are pregnant or have  young children, I feel pretty isolated in all this. It really doesn't help that J and I share a car, so I have to drive him to work and use extra gas if I want to get out of the house at all.

Anyways, here's my list of entry topic ideas. Please PLEASE PLEASE comment on which you'd most like to see written about! It can be something you're interested in learning more about, or something that you have strong opinions on that you'd like to share.. or you could just be curious about my parenting intentions... whatever reason it is, let me know so that I have some reason or motivation to post!!!

• Cloth Vs. Disposable Diapers: research and my intentions
• Breast Feeding: research and my intentions
• Baby Wearing: research and my intentions, with extra attention paid to sling recall
• State of Midwifery in Illinois: research
• Sentimental Fetus Post: basically a post about how i'm trying to love something that gives me heartburn and how it's hard for me
• Gender Neutral Parenting: my parenting intentions
• Baby-Led Weaning: research and my intentions
• The Awesomeness that is My Hubby! because he rocks
• Baby Shower: family issues and the difficulty of wanting a gender neutral shower

Anyways, PLEASE comment!! even if you never read this, even if you just glance at it, COMMENT! 

Sign Language

When I was younger, my aunt taught middle school special education at a school that put their deaf children in special ed. She was angry, furious actually. She ended up developing a separate curriculum for those students, making sure that they were treated just like any other student in the school would have been, and started teaching me sign language. I would visit her classes as a 4-year-old and sign with the deaf children, and according to my aunt, they looooved me :-)

Anyways, years later my aunt was dying of cancer and in the hospital more often than not. She would often have feeding tubes or other implimements that made talking impossible or just too painful. I would sit in her room with her, and she would sign with me, telling me what she needed and relaying messages through me to her doctors and nurses. It was incredibly painful to watch this strong woman who had taught special ed and advocated for HIV patients' rights go through so much hardship, but I was always glad to be helpful.

My aunt's hebrew name was Alitza. My daughter's middle name will be Alitza.

Since Laura's passing I haven't had anyone to speak with in sign, so lately I've started teaching my husband sign language. He already knew a couple signs, like hungry, so that I didn't have to interrupt his conversations. Now we're working on the alphabet and key terms. 

From the day our baby is born, we plan on speaking to her in sign language as well as in spoken language.

Yes, I've heard of the baby sign fad that's going around right now, and as much as I'm all for it, I find that most parents stop signing as soon as the baby can speak, and the skills are quickly lost. Continuing to sign is not only great for hearing children (it functions like a second language and it increases spelling ability by including a movement with letters) but it is great for the deaf community.

Also, if we decide to have more chldren, J and I are planning on adopting deaf children. Deaf children are more likely to be put up for adoption, languish in the foster system, or be abused by hearing parents, relatives, and strangers. Deaf children also typically suffer because of the common misconception that they have learning disabilities or just can't learn as well. I hope to help change this, at least for one child.

There is a pilot for a new show that was recently posted on youtube. The show would focus on families where the parents are disabled in some way. Their intention is to show that people with disabilities can be great parents and that the common misconceptions are completely false. The pilot features a deaf family of 6, where the parents and two of the children are deaf, and two of the children can hear. Here's the video. It made me cry a little.

Update-y-ness

I really need to get better about updating the blog regularly, and with pertinent stuff instead of just features.. but alas...

Anyways, here are a few random updates about me and my life:

- I had a midwife appointment yesterday, and I LOVE my midwife! I'm specifically seeing Cynthia Mason, CNM, at West Suburban Midwife Associates, and I think she's about as big of a dork as I am! I love it! It's great to walk in to an appointment and feel like we're hanging out, I can't wait for her to help me get this baby out!! Anyways, at this appointment we found out that the baby had flipped from being in breech position to being in the normal, head-down position, which is AMAZING NEWS! On the other hand, we also found out that Cynthia is going to be in Washington, DC from June 12-14, meaning that if my later due date is right (the one from the ultrasound, not the date of conception) there's a good chance I'll be going into labor when she's gone. The rest of the staff at WSMA is fantastic, but no one measures up to her (it's a personality thing)! You had better bet I'll be doing everything I can to start contractions before she leaves.

- J, the hubby, is working tons. He just got a new job at a place in a shopping center near here. It's hard to describe, but THIS is what he gets to wear to work every day:

I made the doublet and the pants, and really need to get a new picture since we added a ribbon sleeve and more accents to the entire costume. He basically spends his days helping kids fight dragons, save a princess, and fight a goblin king! He looooves it, and I love having a happy hubby. Unfortunately though, he tends to pull some VERY LONG work days, like the 13+ hour day that he's scheduled for tomorrow. Luckily I found an awesome hummus wrap recipe that I make for him to take for lunch ^.^ I'll have to use it for this week's How-To-Thursday.

- I swear, this baby is an acrobat.. or she already likes to abuse me. So much for having to wait till she's a teenager! During my midwife appointment, while Cynthia was trying to feel where the baby was, the baby apparently decided to fight back and kicked out as hard as she could! My belly turned such a strange shape! Anyways, I don't know much about the baby, but I can already see us running around with her, she's going to be so active!

- I hate being pregnant. Seriously. I hate the looks that I get. I hate the backaches. I hate the heartburn. I hate my lack of sex drive. I hate the random inexplicable physical issues I have. I hate the fact that people seem to think that they can make assumptions about me and ask me stupid questions even though I've never met them in my life. Going off of birth control was a concious choice that J and I talked over thoroughly, but I thought about having a child, not about being pregnant. I can't wait to be done and have my baby in my arms and finally see that all of this was worth it!

Pregnancy Update, Quiz Style

How far along?: 30 or 31 weeks depending on how you're measuring.

Total weight gain: 38 pounds!! i couldn't be happier!

Maternity clothes: kind of.. I'm usually wearing mostly maternity clothes with a couple things that aren't and just happen to fit. Right now, the non-maternity item would be an awesome pair of Thai Fisherman Pants that I bought on Etsy and got in the mail today ^.^ I'll post pictures when I have a working camera again.

Sleep: not much. Acid Reflux, achiness, and the inability to roll over make a full night of sleep near impossible.

Best moment of the week: Earlier today I found out that the baby flipped! She's not breech any more!!

Movement: Lots. Before yesterday she had actually managed to bruise some organs, but now that she's flipped she has a whole new set of squishies to kick >.<

Gender Sex: Female

Food cravings:  Fruit (seems to be a different fruit every day)

Labor signs: Nothing real yet, but I've had a few Braxton Hicks that were especially bad, one of which was because I almost got in a car accident (there was a drunk driver going diagonally through a crowded parking lot, screeching breaks on my part were the only thing that saved the cars)

Bell button in or out: It's pretty far out! not as far as it could go yet though.

What I miss most: Sleep. No question. I used to be a 10+ hours a night type of person, sleep was my favorite thing to do, and now I'm lucky if I can manage 6.

What I'm looking forward to: Feeling like a normal person again. I'm tired of being treated and having to treat myself like I'm disabled. Between back aches, sore hips, aching joints, i've never felt so old!

Quiz stolen from Brit and Her Crew 

Bloggy Intentions

    The decision to start a new blog was made after realizing that I read a TON of other people's blogs, and that I was losing touch with myself (see first post). It's meant to be a way for me to analyze my decisions and make sure that my life stays interesting! The way I figure it, a more interesting Life means a more interesting Blog, which means more Readers! It also helps keeps me from falling in the Stress/Fatigue/Mommy Routine that keeps threatening to overtake me.

    So here are some of my Intentions with this blog:

• Tuesday: highlight an online seller, usually an Etsy.com seller, and choose a favorite product of theirs. I'm going to try to limit this to promoting individuals (so no big conglomerate websites that order products from china, etc...), but an extremely exceptional website that isn't an individual producer may get featured occasionally. A particularly amazing blog might also get featured once in a while.
• Thursday: take the time to learn and write out instructions to a craft, sewing project, recipe, etc... and post it on here for whoever ends up reading this. The intention is to keep my abilities fresh and to participate in the open flow of creative ideas. 
• Sale Finds: to post pictures of the things I find in my garage/estate/rummage/thrift sale adventures. 
• Family Pics: to post pictures of myself, my family, and my home relatively often. I always enjoy seeing pictures from other individual's blogs and hope that readers will enjoy seeing my pictures too! (speaking of, my camera is out of batteries... another thing for the ToDo list)
• Along with the family pictures, I plan on writing a lot about what happens in my family, developments, hurdles found as a feminist full-time mom, etc...
• Discuss political and feminist news and articles, probably weekly. I was going to assign a day of the week to post this on, but I think it makes more sense to post whenever I find some topic of interest (which is really quite often).

    There are a few reasons that I'm posting my intentions openly; so that you know what to expect if you decide to read my blog, and so that I can be held to these expectations and use the list when I'm feeling some writers block. 

    And, in an effort to keep with my intentions, and to minimize the text-i-ness of this post, here's a pic from my (our) wedding:

I love that boy.