Divorce, it never seems to end.

I finally saved up enough money to go to a lawyer and have divorce and custody papers drawn up. It seems like things are going to go my way, but it has taken so long to get to this point and it is taking so long to get everything finished that it's driving me nuts-o.

Seriously, someone needs to throw me a party once this is all over. I'll even hire a babysitter. >.<

When has it been "long enough"?

I'm in a weird spot right now. I have been separated from my daughter's father since early December. While he still makes me incredibly angry, I am starting to finally actually look around and see that there are other people out there who might... you know... be worth my time.

I'm torn... I really want to be back in the world, meeting people and going on dates, but I'm not sure how much I'm ready for.

Most of the anger at my ex is over his continued lying and the fact that he consistently chooses his own comfort and desires over even seeing his daughter. Yeah, it's been almost 3 weeks since he's last seen her, and he's disappeared for two other weeks before this. One of those weeks he told me that he was on a trip to 'contemplate his mistakes'... just more lies.


Still, I worry that his ability to effect me emotionally means that I'm not ready to consider anyone else in my life.

It's also hard because River is so constantly attached to me. It's not like I can leave her with her grandparents and expect her to even be able to nap, she needs to breastfeed to sleep. While I would expect anyone I dated to be ok with River, I couldn't ask someone to always have her around.. the relationship needs to be about the two adults first, I'm not looking for a father for her or something.

In happier news: River has an uncle. A friend of mine who is surprisingly amazing with her decided that he's her uncle. I'm cool with that :-)

I'm so tired.

I keep meaning to post a wrap-up review of the 12x12 book, but I can't seem to make myself think about anything productive right now.

This whole divorce thing is really getting the best of me. I hesitate to show any weakness or really talk about it because of the whole mess surrounding it. I'm terrified that something I say can be used against me; that even telling the truth in a public way will get me in trouble.

I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted all the time, keeping this all inside of myself and acting like this well-adjusted, perfect mother. I push it all down in part to not break down in front of my daughter, but also in an effort to not make my friends uncomfortable.

I've settled into living at my parents' house, even unpacking some boxes, because I've come to terms with not having any other options. I've been passed over for jobs, I can't seem to save enough money to get myself anywhere, I'm living on the bare minimum. Even my etsy efforts have totally floundered; I haven't made a single sale.

I can't believe how much my ex still has the ability to get to me. He drops off the face of the planet, refusing to speak to me or see River just so that he won't have to deal with any uncomfortable topic I might bring up. It suits me fine to not have him around, but I know that's unfair for our daughter. I keep finding out about more lies that he's told me, and I can't believe how much it still hurts.

He talks a lot about being 'co-parents for River's sake', but it seems to boil down to me being honest and telling him about everything we're doing and him continuing to lie to me. When we're together and he's visiting River, he reverts right back into the overly-familiar relationship mode, and it's so hard to push out of that and keep everything at arm's length even though I KNOW he's still lying to me. I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of holding it together for River's sake. I'm so tired of being civil because I'm scared of what he could do to me if he really took legal action. I'm so tired of putting on a happy face for my family who are visibly and vocally uncomfortable about any emotional reaction I have. I'm so tired of getting myself up and dressed and out of the house every day because sitting at home means that I dwell. I'm so tired of going to therapy and having to talk through how 'wronged' I feel. I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of this aching feeling that hasn't left me for the past 4 months.

I have plenty of great things in my life, but everything seems to be overshadowed by this exhaustion.

Bullet points = FUN!

Here's some news / random observations... IN BULLET POINT! because I'm awesome.

• We signed up for a diaper service. WEE! I don't think I need anywhere near the amount of diapers they give you for the first month, but we can adjust after he doesn't use them all.
• River is strangely sick. Unable to eat any solid or solid-ish foods. She gags and throws up (not spits up, I know the difference). Other than throwing up, she's totally fine. She's been on a boob and watery oatmeal diet for three days. We're taking her to the doctor today because, if it's serious, I don't want to wait all weekend of find out.
• Libraries RAWK! seriously. I think I go to the library 3 times a week, at least! Any day I don't have something else to do is an invitation to check the programming schedules of all the local libraries and pick something, or just go and let River play with the toys and watch the other kids. 
• I'm in a crafting rut. Nothing has sold from Etsy, so I stopped churning out cross stitches, and it's too hard to work in my mother's basement, where the sewing machines are, with River... 
• I applied for three jobs... haven't heard anything from any of them. :-/ sad panda.
• The Weather Is Awesome. (or at least it was yesterday, I haven't been outside yet today, but I think I'm going to be disappointed)
• Going to see the ex today. I'm so emotionally drained from all the visits, but at this point he gets supervised visits with River, so I suck it up.

Well, I'm off to the library for story time! Adios!

Slow Return??

My daughter, playing with fruits, veggies, and a toothbrush. She's going to be better about her health than I am!

I'm not entirely sure yet, but I think I'm going to return to the blog-o-sphere. A lot has happened in my life since my last post, most notably River had a medical scare, which has been nearly resolved, and I am now a single mother.

I can honestly say that my life has been very hectic lately, which is not the norm for me. I'm usually very chill and laid back.

I will not be linking to every post on my facebook, mostly because I don't want a lot of people that I know IRL to be reading this.. But I need to vent. I need somewhere that I can let go and talk and feel like maybe, somewhere, someone has heard me.

I also intend to keep reviewing books, movies, products, etc... So check back often! I really hope this blog doesn't just turn into some personal journal full of my bitching...