Green Thumb?

I'll admit it. I can't grow anything. I touch a plant, and it dies. Also, I have a cat that eats anything green and living. Thanks to the divorce, I don't have my cat right now, so that's one thing down... So I figured, why not? Most of my dreams include at least a little garden where I'm growing my own food, so it's probably a good idea to try my hand at planting now before I stake any future on it.

My mini greenhouse

I already have seeds sprouting for some chamomile, and some lavender is planted but hasn't sprouted yet. My mother was nice enough to lend me a mini greenhouse to put by the back window. While it's a bit late for sprouting seeds for outdoor planting, I'm planning on starting a nice pot garden of herbs and tea plants. I have some more seeds that I'm waiting for another nice-weather day to plant.

Lavender on left, Chamomile on right, and an avocado pit in the middle

I even planted a random avocado pit from an avocado I tried to feed River. She didn't like it, and I'm not a fan of avocados, but I had it on hand when I was planting, and decided it'd be fun to throw it in a yogurt container and see if it grew.

Clover and a couple other plants

I also got some already grown plants from the hardware store. I just need to repot them into some nice eco-plastic containers I got and they'll be going around my bedroom to freshen the air and help bring some living energy into the room.

At some point, if I even get around to cleaning my room and making it look nice enough, I'll even be submitting a "living in one room" post to Offbeat Home

I am a Dreamer

That's right, I'm a dreamer. A big-time, lots of life goals, most of them unattainable, dreamer. I research and plan and even build mock-ups in my Sims 2 Double Delux video game.

I have an entire tea cafe built and operating in my head. I know where I would source the tea from, how I would decorate the walls, and even have some ideas about location (though more research would definitely be necessary in that department). It would be a bit of Teavana, plus some Dollop Coffee. All tea would be brewed loose leave in cast iron pots, but the environment would be part asian influence and part local coffee shop vibe.

In my dreams (literally, while I'm sleeping) I'm living on an alpaca farm with River. We're living in a tiny little farm house with a huge barn and lots of bright sunny land. She's about 3, running around in huge rubber rain boots and hugging the fluffy alpacas. When I was in labor with River, my imaginary farm was my happy place.

This is an Alpaca. They are made of Awesome.

In case you were wondering if people actually built houses on flatbed trailers, here's a picture of one! Seriously made of Awesome!

I'm seriously planning a solar-powered trailer home to live in full-time. I'm not sure if it'll be a house built onto a trailer bed or a gutted and refurnished trailer (like one of those giant silver Twinkies). Everything would be in miniature, very compact, and every space would be used. I'd get rid of most of our posessions and live on the bare minimum. Our home would be wherever we parked, and if we got bored, we'd move.

Here's an example of a yurt. It's made of awesome too.

Other than these, I've also daydreamed about living in a hand-built yurt in the woods, living in a hobbit hole, moving to other countries or at least across this one, owning different businesses, or living off the grid completely.

Awesome Linkies:

• A Low Impact Woodland Home
• Tiny House Blog

Right now, having all these dreams is both a good and bad thing. It's good that I have somewhere to go in my head when things are getting too stressful, it's good that I have interests and goals in life and that they're varied and constantly evolving. But it's disheartening that everything seems to hinge on money. There are so many things I'd jump at the ability to do, but can't because of the lack of funds. Even building my own home on wheels would take a way more money that I have or have access to.

Being a suddenly single mom, with no job, no reliable income, and currently basically 'squatting' at my parents' house is pretty depressing when I stop to think about it. But I'll continue to dream :-)

Slow Return??

My daughter, playing with fruits, veggies, and a toothbrush. She's going to be better about her health than I am!

I'm not entirely sure yet, but I think I'm going to return to the blog-o-sphere. A lot has happened in my life since my last post, most notably River had a medical scare, which has been nearly resolved, and I am now a single mother.

I can honestly say that my life has been very hectic lately, which is not the norm for me. I'm usually very chill and laid back.

I will not be linking to every post on my facebook, mostly because I don't want a lot of people that I know IRL to be reading this.. But I need to vent. I need somewhere that I can let go and talk and feel like maybe, somewhere, someone has heard me.

I also intend to keep reviewing books, movies, products, etc... So check back often! I really hope this blog doesn't just turn into some personal journal full of my bitching...

Reading Reading All The Time

I grew up with books like The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, Animal Farm, and The Last Unicorn. Later I moved on to Anne Rice among other authors. Although I did have some typically child-oriented books, such as Harold and the Purple Crayon, I was always encouraged towards more adult-oriented reading.

I've already begun continuing this tradition with my daughter. I read to her from whatever I happen to be reading. So far this has already included Lord of the Rings, Ishmael, and the Dalai Lama's book on science, as well as websites like OffbeatMama.com, Feministing.com, and CNN.com.

My hope is that she will become an avid reader like myself. We'll see how that goes.


As an aside: I still haven't managed to master the motherly art of feeding my baby and myself in a day >.< Baby gets fed, I don't... This needs to be fixed.

To make this post interesting I have inserted River pics between every paragraph ^.^

Haven't really posted here in a while, mostly because there's nothing much to post about. I haven't left the house unnecessarily yet, only leaving for midwife and pediatrician appointments, so not much has happened. After the appointment we'll usually try to hit up somewhere for lunch and then the grocery store, but that's still too much for me..

Here's a pic of River and me in the hospital:

Otherwise, my mother has been over a few times, plus some close friends, but mostly I prefer to be by myself with the baby and the hubby.

Here's a pic of my mom and River:

I'm still sore, swollen, bleeding, and head-achy. Any time I do go anywhere I end up exhausted.There were two times that I had to call an early end to the errands we were trying to run after an appointment. It happens though, and I've been assured that everything I'm feeling is totally normal (doesn't make it hurt less though).

Here's a picture of J and River, he's a FANTASTIC DADDY!!!

I've been keeping a close eye on my mood since delivery. I had a lot of the indicators that I was more likely to get postpartum depression, but so far I seem to have been pretty lucky. I've had a couple crying jags, mostly related to frustration though (they were both when River was upset and I was exhausted), so those were pretty normal. Otherwise I just get a little overly sad when J has to go to work for a long day (like today). I think I've gotten off easy so far, especially compared to the antepartum depression I had earlier.

J and I have both gotten really good at using the computer while River is on us (she's a cuddly baby who tends to fuss whenever she's not being held). Here he is playing WoW:

I've gotten to the point though, where I don't think it's healthy to be sitting around at home and alone so much. I want to start showing River the world so that, at least when she's old enough to really absorb things, she'll be used to going out and experiencing everything. So.. tomorrow I'm planning on taking her to the Illinois Highland Games and Scottish Festival, and then sunday I'll be taking her to my family's Father's Day get-together. The really big thing here: I'll be doing these thing ON MY OWN. J is working an extremely hard 'week' (his week is most people's weekend since he works in entertainment).

Here's a picture of River in the hospital:

Since I have more pictures to share, I'm just going to make random statements to go between them :-)

Here's another picture of her in the hospital.. she's all pensive looking, and you can see the scratch she gave herself while the nurses were weighing her :-/

River looooves Kangaroo Care! She's a sucker for being nakey on someone's chest! (unfortunately the article I linked to associates Kangaroo Care with premature infants primarily and misses out on the benefits for babies who are at term.. but I'm too lazy to look for another article right now)


Here's a picture of River the day that we got her home. She's laying on one of the blankets I crocheted for her. Since she was still all flail-y we had to put mitties on her.

We couldn't believe how beautiful River was right when she was born! She looked just like a little baby! We had been bracing ourselves for some hideous monster-baby; all purple and covered in cottage cheesy-nasties. Instead she was pink, clean, breathed right away, gave a little cry to let us know she was ok, then snuggled up to me.

Here's another pic of her right after we got her home:

I'm out of random things to say, so here are some more pics:

Here are her chubby cheekies, I eat them for breakfast!!

Here she is in the Thirsties diaper we bought from an awesome local store called Cutie Poops and Bottoms! The owner was awesome and even gave us demonstrations of all the different cloth diaper options. We'll definitely be going back there! Seriously, if you live in the Chicago area check out this place! and if you don't, you can still order from them online!! Unfortunately we have her in 'sposies right now because the adjustable Thirsties covers we bought seem to be a bit large for her and she springs leaks out the sides. As soon as she gets a little bigger we'll be cloth diapering!!

Oh, and because it is awesome and I'm very proud of myself: here's a pic of breastfeeding! I HAVE MAGIC BOOBIES! You can't really see it in this picture, but I have some issues breastfeeding. This might be over sharing, but I think this is an issue that should be talked about more and people shouldn't feel alone. I have relatively small, flat nipples. River had a VERY HARD time latching on and still does. One of the night nurses at the hospital was particularly amazing! I mentioned momentarily that I was having a hard time getting her to latch, and she was instantly there with a ton of little toys to help. She was very pro-breastfeeding and wanted to make sure that I had everything I needed to be successful. The toy that worked: a nipple shield! It looks a bit like the nipple on a bottle, it fits over my areola and nipple and gives her something to latch onto. The only downside is that she doesn't seem to recognize my actual nipples any more, and only nurses with the shield on which can be a little awkward to juggle in public. It's a small price to pay for being able to feed my baby what's best for her!

I have to say that I'm a little disappointed with our pediatrician. The two times we've seen her she's made it a point to tell me that "it's really ok to supplement with formula." I've told her how I feel about supplementing and that it's really unnecessary as I don't mind breastfeeding and it's going well. The pediatrician in J's childhood doctor though, and the doctor for the rest of his immediate family, so he's willing to let some of her opinions slide. Since I just met her, I'm a little less at ease...

Anyways, that turned into a rant, so here's the picture:

Quick Update

For those of you who are watching my blog impatiently, waiting for me to pop... I'm still here, and still preggo :-(

Honestly, I hate pregnancy. I'm never going to be one of those women who love it, who reflect happily on the glow or having a baby in me. No, if I ever decide to have another kid, I think I'll adopt.

So here I am, still huge, still having painful contractions that aren't actual labor, still unable to walk or move around much thanks to my painful pelvis, still going to the bathroom ever half-hour because the baby's already dropped in my pelvis.

I know it's just a matter of time, and I'm not even at my due date yet, but I'm getting impatient. I'd rather not have so many of the uncomfortable pre-labor indicators if I'm not actually in labor!

So... today we went on a huge grocery shopping trip, tomorrow we have our Bradley class after J gets off work, friday we have nothing, saturday is our Baby Boot Camp class, and sunday is another nothing day. As much as I love Colleen and her classes, I'm ok with missing any of this if it means that I get to have the baby!

Today's Midwife Appointment

Turns out that I'm already 35 1/2 weeks!! O.O on the 17th I meet with Cynthia (my awesome-tastic midwife) to talk about what will happen the day of labor and delivery. I can't wait to get the baby out of my abdomen and into my arms, but I still worry about having a natural birth and whether or not I'm strong enough (not that I have much of a choice!).

I got to meet another of the midwives at the practice I've been going to. She was awesome and very nice, but we still love Cynthia bestest! The good thing is, since there is a amll period around my due date where Cynthia won't be able to attend our birth, we do like everyone at the assocation.

We also got a chance to ask a few more questions that came up when we met with the OB. The midwives do not induce labor until 42 weeks at the earliest, unless there are other reasons to believe that the baby is in distress (too little amniotic fluid, slowed heart rate, etc.), so that's really refreshing. They also have such a low episiotomy rate that they can't really make it into a percent (the midwife I talked to today has attended thousands of births and only done 4 episiotomies). Other than that I just did my Group B Strep test, listened to the heartbeat, found out that I haven't gained any weight in the past two weeks, and left. The best visits are the uneventful ones :-)

I have my Bradley method childbirth class tonight, and am starting to have some issues with the workbook material.. mostly that they cite rediculously outdated studies and seem to talk about Dr. Bradley like he's some sort of childbirth prophet. That said, I like that they engage the partner and encourage natural childbirth. I love that the teacher/doula that I take classes from gives us updated materials and encourages us all to think about what is best for us personally. (Here is the doula's blog: Thoughts from a Doula and website: Rights of Passage)

I'm also working on another potentially paid crafting project! I swear I'm going to start my etsy page one of these days, I'm just getting all the real-world contracts that I can first. Right now it's crocheting BOOBS for my teacher/doula and some of her acquaintances to use as lactation awareness aids. I'll also be making some of my feltimals (simple felt stuffed animals) for her prize bin. Unfortunately the first boob that I attempted came out kind of wonky, and not in a way that could be passed off as "every boob is different" wonky :-/ I'll be borrowing one of her current lactation-aid boobs tonight to use as a pattern.

We're also considering whether or not we should hire a doula for our labor and delivery. Honestly, we love our midwife to death and would probably be more comfortable with less people around. J and I have always found immense comfort and relaxation in just being together alone and able to concentrate on eachother. We also really don't know that we can afford to throw another expense in at the moment. Colleen (the teacher/doula) has been amazing and offered to do some bartering, and I know intellectually that we should have another person there who is a professional and can help us advocate for the birth that we want, but I really don't think there are going to be any issues with Cynthia as our midwife. As great as advice on this subject would be, I really think J and I are going to have to make this decision on our own. 

Promises, promises

I know I've said this before, and I'll probably say  it a hundred more times, but I really need to be better about updating. My intention was, and still is, to post something almost every day (maybe 5-6 days out of 7), but I can't seem to keep up with it. Maybe because I just don't feel like the mundane happenings in my life are worth reading about.. Maybe because I'm just lazy.

Anyways, for lack of a seller to feature, and lack of a how-to to post, this week will have neither. Honestly, I meant to post how-to's to keep me learning new things to craft and cook, but instead I've just been posting things that I've known how to make for a long time. And unfortunately, I only really feel comfortable featuring sellers that I know or have bought something from personally, and I'm running out of past purchases faster than I expected.

I still intend to blog about those more meaningful topics that I posted here, but with the baby getting bigger, some weird recurrance of morning sickness, and all the exhaustion that comes with it, I've been slacking. No worries though, posts are coming.

(speaking of, I think i'm going to end this one here, and start a new one about some of the stuff that's happened this week)

^.^

Need to Post!

I have a lot of intentions for this blog. It's almost unfortunate. There's a list sitting next to the keyboard where I routinely write down whatever comes to mind for entry topics, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere with actually writing them! I'd really like to get most of this down by the time the baby is here, partially as a way to remember for later, and partially as a way to remind myself that I'm not alone in this. I don't have any friends that I see on a regular basis who are pregnant or have  young children, I feel pretty isolated in all this. It really doesn't help that J and I share a car, so I have to drive him to work and use extra gas if I want to get out of the house at all.

Anyways, here's my list of entry topic ideas. Please PLEASE PLEASE comment on which you'd most like to see written about! It can be something you're interested in learning more about, or something that you have strong opinions on that you'd like to share.. or you could just be curious about my parenting intentions... whatever reason it is, let me know so that I have some reason or motivation to post!!!

• Cloth Vs. Disposable Diapers: research and my intentions
• Breast Feeding: research and my intentions
• Baby Wearing: research and my intentions, with extra attention paid to sling recall
• State of Midwifery in Illinois: research
• Sentimental Fetus Post: basically a post about how i'm trying to love something that gives me heartburn and how it's hard for me
• Gender Neutral Parenting: my parenting intentions
• Baby-Led Weaning: research and my intentions
• The Awesomeness that is My Hubby! because he rocks
• Baby Shower: family issues and the difficulty of wanting a gender neutral shower

Anyways, PLEASE comment!! even if you never read this, even if you just glance at it, COMMENT! 

Sign Language

When I was younger, my aunt taught middle school special education at a school that put their deaf children in special ed. She was angry, furious actually. She ended up developing a separate curriculum for those students, making sure that they were treated just like any other student in the school would have been, and started teaching me sign language. I would visit her classes as a 4-year-old and sign with the deaf children, and according to my aunt, they looooved me :-)

Anyways, years later my aunt was dying of cancer and in the hospital more often than not. She would often have feeding tubes or other implimements that made talking impossible or just too painful. I would sit in her room with her, and she would sign with me, telling me what she needed and relaying messages through me to her doctors and nurses. It was incredibly painful to watch this strong woman who had taught special ed and advocated for HIV patients' rights go through so much hardship, but I was always glad to be helpful.

My aunt's hebrew name was Alitza. My daughter's middle name will be Alitza.

Since Laura's passing I haven't had anyone to speak with in sign, so lately I've started teaching my husband sign language. He already knew a couple signs, like hungry, so that I didn't have to interrupt his conversations. Now we're working on the alphabet and key terms. 

From the day our baby is born, we plan on speaking to her in sign language as well as in spoken language.

Yes, I've heard of the baby sign fad that's going around right now, and as much as I'm all for it, I find that most parents stop signing as soon as the baby can speak, and the skills are quickly lost. Continuing to sign is not only great for hearing children (it functions like a second language and it increases spelling ability by including a movement with letters) but it is great for the deaf community.

Also, if we decide to have more chldren, J and I are planning on adopting deaf children. Deaf children are more likely to be put up for adoption, languish in the foster system, or be abused by hearing parents, relatives, and strangers. Deaf children also typically suffer because of the common misconception that they have learning disabilities or just can't learn as well. I hope to help change this, at least for one child.

There is a pilot for a new show that was recently posted on youtube. The show would focus on families where the parents are disabled in some way. Their intention is to show that people with disabilities can be great parents and that the common misconceptions are completely false. The pilot features a deaf family of 6, where the parents and two of the children are deaf, and two of the children can hear. Here's the video. It made me cry a little.

Update-y-ness

I really need to get better about updating the blog regularly, and with pertinent stuff instead of just features.. but alas...

Anyways, here are a few random updates about me and my life:

- I had a midwife appointment yesterday, and I LOVE my midwife! I'm specifically seeing Cynthia Mason, CNM, at West Suburban Midwife Associates, and I think she's about as big of a dork as I am! I love it! It's great to walk in to an appointment and feel like we're hanging out, I can't wait for her to help me get this baby out!! Anyways, at this appointment we found out that the baby had flipped from being in breech position to being in the normal, head-down position, which is AMAZING NEWS! On the other hand, we also found out that Cynthia is going to be in Washington, DC from June 12-14, meaning that if my later due date is right (the one from the ultrasound, not the date of conception) there's a good chance I'll be going into labor when she's gone. The rest of the staff at WSMA is fantastic, but no one measures up to her (it's a personality thing)! You had better bet I'll be doing everything I can to start contractions before she leaves.

- J, the hubby, is working tons. He just got a new job at a place in a shopping center near here. It's hard to describe, but THIS is what he gets to wear to work every day:

I made the doublet and the pants, and really need to get a new picture since we added a ribbon sleeve and more accents to the entire costume. He basically spends his days helping kids fight dragons, save a princess, and fight a goblin king! He looooves it, and I love having a happy hubby. Unfortunately though, he tends to pull some VERY LONG work days, like the 13+ hour day that he's scheduled for tomorrow. Luckily I found an awesome hummus wrap recipe that I make for him to take for lunch ^.^ I'll have to use it for this week's How-To-Thursday.

- I swear, this baby is an acrobat.. or she already likes to abuse me. So much for having to wait till she's a teenager! During my midwife appointment, while Cynthia was trying to feel where the baby was, the baby apparently decided to fight back and kicked out as hard as she could! My belly turned such a strange shape! Anyways, I don't know much about the baby, but I can already see us running around with her, she's going to be so active!

- I hate being pregnant. Seriously. I hate the looks that I get. I hate the backaches. I hate the heartburn. I hate my lack of sex drive. I hate the random inexplicable physical issues I have. I hate the fact that people seem to think that they can make assumptions about me and ask me stupid questions even though I've never met them in my life. Going off of birth control was a concious choice that J and I talked over thoroughly, but I thought about having a child, not about being pregnant. I can't wait to be done and have my baby in my arms and finally see that all of this was worth it!

On Birth Plans

     I've seen a lot of women and birthing professionals (whether doulas or midwives) posting about birth plans in blogs. Some say that having a well drawn-out birth plan is absolutely necessary, others say that the mother needs to be flexible depending on what situations arise, and still others argue that if someone wants a home birth-like experience, then they should birth at home (which can't legally be done in Illinois with a midwife present - article here).

     The most recent post on personal birth plans on a blog that I read was by Ashley on How To Hide a Tank in This post. Ashley is very lucky to be able to have a home birth attended by a midwife, so she feels that only a verbal birth plan is necessary should something go wrong that requires intervention.

     Amy Wynn wrote a post for Offbeat Mama that can be found Here where she talks about throwing out her birth plan in order to stop herself from being control obsessed and to increase her chances of being happy with the birth no matter how it turned out. That said, she also made sure that her doctor was aware of her wishes.

     Unfortunately, living in Illinois and in a rented town house, I can not have expectations of such a comfortable and care-free birth. There are no independent birth centers either. Turns out that the headquarters of the American Medical Association are housed in Illinois, which means that they have a ton of legal sway and the desires of patients are largely ignored. Midwifery itself seems to be only borderline legal in this state, with the midwife group that I see needing to associate themselves with a doctor in order to practice. (see Illinois Families for Midwifery or the Coalition for Illinois Midwifery if you're interested in helping fight for midwives in Illinois)

     Because of this, I'll be giving birth in an alternative birthing room inside of a hospital. Even though my birth will be attended by an AWESOME midwife, we'll be at the whims of the hospital policies. So.. I've made a birth plan.. kind of. It's actually in bullet points right now, which seems to work better because it makes information easier to find. It also follows the policies that my midwife holds to, so it's really more for the other hospital staff than for her.

     Yes, I understand that the hospital staff is trained in child birth. I understand that they should be expected to do whatever is best for me. I also understand that liability insurance is an expensive thing and that doctors can be quick to jump to unnecessary procedures in order to cover their own asses. I hold strongly to the idea that childbirth is a natural process that does not necessitate medical intervention in most cases. I believe that the high rate of C-Sections in the U.S. is HORRIBLE. I also believe that some people hold certain opinions about young mothers that might make them choose to save my baby over me. Sorry.. no. I would much rather live to see another day and be able to adopt a child. I know it's selfish, but right now this baby is really just a severe case of indigestion and a little alien that likes to kick me in the bladder.

Bloggy Intentions

    The decision to start a new blog was made after realizing that I read a TON of other people's blogs, and that I was losing touch with myself (see first post). It's meant to be a way for me to analyze my decisions and make sure that my life stays interesting! The way I figure it, a more interesting Life means a more interesting Blog, which means more Readers! It also helps keeps me from falling in the Stress/Fatigue/Mommy Routine that keeps threatening to overtake me.

    So here are some of my Intentions with this blog:

• Tuesday: highlight an online seller, usually an Etsy.com seller, and choose a favorite product of theirs. I'm going to try to limit this to promoting individuals (so no big conglomerate websites that order products from china, etc...), but an extremely exceptional website that isn't an individual producer may get featured occasionally. A particularly amazing blog might also get featured once in a while.
• Thursday: take the time to learn and write out instructions to a craft, sewing project, recipe, etc... and post it on here for whoever ends up reading this. The intention is to keep my abilities fresh and to participate in the open flow of creative ideas. 
• Sale Finds: to post pictures of the things I find in my garage/estate/rummage/thrift sale adventures. 
• Family Pics: to post pictures of myself, my family, and my home relatively often. I always enjoy seeing pictures from other individual's blogs and hope that readers will enjoy seeing my pictures too! (speaking of, my camera is out of batteries... another thing for the ToDo list)
• Along with the family pictures, I plan on writing a lot about what happens in my family, developments, hurdles found as a feminist full-time mom, etc...
• Discuss political and feminist news and articles, probably weekly. I was going to assign a day of the week to post this on, but I think it makes more sense to post whenever I find some topic of interest (which is really quite often).

    There are a few reasons that I'm posting my intentions openly; so that you know what to expect if you decide to read my blog, and so that I can be held to these expectations and use the list when I'm feeling some writers block. 

    And, in an effort to keep with my intentions, and to minimize the text-i-ness of this post, here's a pic from my (our) wedding:

I love that boy.