Monday, March 28, 2011

I'm so tired.

I keep meaning to post a wrap-up review of the 12x12 book, but I can't seem to make myself think about anything productive right now.

This whole divorce thing is really getting the best of me. I hesitate to show any weakness or really talk about it because of the whole mess surrounding it. I'm terrified that something I say can be used against me; that even telling the truth in a public way will get me in trouble.

I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted all the time, keeping this all inside of myself and acting like this well-adjusted, perfect mother. I push it all down in part to not break down in front of my daughter, but also in an effort to not make my friends uncomfortable.

I've settled into living at my parents' house, even unpacking some boxes, because I've come to terms with not having any other options. I've been passed over for jobs, I can't seem to save enough money to get myself anywhere, I'm living on the bare minimum. Even my etsy efforts have totally floundered; I haven't made a single sale.

I can't believe how much my ex still has the ability to get to me. He drops off the face of the planet, refusing to speak to me or see River just so that he won't have to deal with any uncomfortable topic I might bring up. It suits me fine to not have him around, but I know that's unfair for our daughter. I keep finding out about more lies that he's told me, and I can't believe how much it still hurts.

He talks a lot about being 'co-parents for River's sake', but it seems to boil down to me being honest and telling him about everything we're doing and him continuing to lie to me. When we're together and he's visiting River, he reverts right back into the overly-familiar relationship mode, and it's so hard to push out of that and keep everything at arm's length even though I KNOW he's still lying to me. I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of holding it together for River's sake. I'm so tired of being civil because I'm scared of what he could do to me if he really took legal action. I'm so tired of putting on a happy face for my family who are visibly and vocally uncomfortable about any emotional reaction I have. I'm so tired of getting myself up and dressed and out of the house every day because sitting at home means that I dwell. I'm so tired of going to therapy and having to talk through how 'wronged' I feel. I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of this aching feeling that hasn't left me for the past 4 months.

I have plenty of great things in my life, but everything seems to be overshadowed by this exhaustion.


  1. Happymasks are such a strain, huh? Sending love to you.

    One thought, could you blog here about it, but make it private, or password protected? Give no-one the password?
    Stuff like this sounds like it needs mindspewing somewhere - you mention therapy and that has its place, yet I hold a special candle for utteruttermindspew noholds barred
    Just a thought

  2. You're a fantastic mom.

    And you're going through a miserable thing.

    ...but you know both of those things. Consider this a virtual hug. And remember that if you find something in the city, we can still work out a place for you to stay. <3