Saturday, May 22, 2010

My battle with antepartum depression.

I've been really horrible about updating here. I get a good post in about once a week, and otherwise I can't motivate myself to make coherent posts (or do much of anything else). About once a day I'll open up the new post page and just sit there, with nothing to say. I've been like this about a lot of stuff actually.

I've been having a hard time with depression during pregnancy (or antepartum depression). Basically, the hormonal changes in my body are bringing on a reemergence of the horrible depressive episodes I had in high school. I've had no motivation to do much more than sleep and eat. Since I don't have motivation to actually get up and do anything, that means that I'm eating processed junk more than anything, since it's the easiest to just grab without having to cook. It means that I only made 4 felties in the past two weeks, and only one crocheted boob. It means the house is a mess. It means that J comes home from work, asks what I did that day, and I say nothing because I really did nothing. It means that the slightest thing makes me cry.

I know that these feelings are hormonally based. Unlike during my depressive episodes in high school, there is nothing triggering these, there are no excuses for my mood. I just feel down. I know that J is getting frustrated with it. He asks me what is wrong all the time. I feel horrible because I know that he's just looking for some way to make me feel better, I know that he's frustrated. He reminds me all the time that the pregnancy is almost over, that soon I'll have my baby in my arms and she won't be playing with my hormonal buttons all the time.

I'm trying to take the time to enjoy little happy moments right now.  I've been trying to get myself to whip out the camera and smile. I've rearranged all of the baby's things and played with her toys to try to bring myself out of this. I've talked to my midwife and my hubby, and short of therapy (which I don't have money for and don't think will help since it's hormonally based) or medication (which has never worked well for me in the past) there's nothing that can really be done.

I also worry about postpartum depression. I know that people who have depression issues earlier in life, especially during pregnancy, are much more likely to have postpartum depression. I have this vision of me, happy, with a newborn, enjoying all the little moments in life, but a part of me knows that this is not very likely. I'm more likely to be sitting at home doing nothing every day, much like I am now, except with a crying, pooping, needy baby.

There's a lot of attention given to postpartum depression, especially in the media. It's great that there is so much information about it floating around, but there is almost no time given to antepartum depression. I hope that by posting, at least someone else out there might not feel so alone when dealing with it.


  1. Oh darling. I had terrible antepartum depression during pregnancy that morphed into PPD. Do you have support, a good doctor or car provider that can act as your safety net? It doesn't have to be dark.

    Thank you for posting this. The more of us that speak out, the less of a stigma there is attached to it.

  2. My midwife is awesome about everything, and really good about checking it on me at every visit. Thank you so much for your concern and making me feel less alone, it really does help.

  3. Hey, stick around after class this week (or come early but let me know which so I'm ready) so we can talk about this. I have a lot to say on the topic, a lot of advice, and pounds and pounds of prevention of the postpartum mood disorder angle, which I have also had.

    I have a handful of friends and clients who have had PPMD and I can put you in contact with them so maybe you guys can talk and support one another. I also have some advice for NOW, and am very good at helping couples with the mood issues that come with pregnancy-- I had a mom with antepartum anxiety problems that delivered last week, and they told me I need to charge therapist rates. :) And they're not the first-- this is a role I play often, and so I'm happy to give you a hand.

    I can also help you find therapy (that I DO think would help, actually) that is low cost or no cost, but we can talk about that and I will see what I can find to help you.

    Doing SOMETHING is better than NOTHING, even if you don't think it will help much. Every little bit helps, so let's talk, okay?

    Or if you want, just call me tonight-- I'll be home after about 7:30 and am happy to talk. 708-351-0935.

    I've been through SO MUCH, and this is why I do this-- and I'm happy to share what I've learned, as well as information I've gathered for others. I will talk to you soon, okay?? <3 ((hugs))