Tuesday, May 04, 2010

I'm a horrible human being.

I'm somewhere in my 8th month of pregnancy (I'm due either June 6th or June 12th, depending on how you're measuring due dates, my estimated date of conception puts me at June 6th, my ultrasound puts us at June 12th, but if I had normal cycles, I'd be due around May 30th!). I'm huge, the baby is moving a TON, and I'm exhausted. Last night, for example, I woke up just about once an hour to pee or generally feel uncomfortable, and now they're working on the roofs, so much for napping.

I keep getting comments from friends, family, and complete strangers about how much I must love the baby already and how excited I must be, and it almost always succeeds in making me feel horrible. To be honest, I'm excited, I guess, but I'm mostly nervous. I never thought that I'd be married and have a child. EVER. But in the past two years, since meeting J, everything has changed. I'm completely ill-prepared to handle a child, I'm not even sure that I've ever changed a diaper before! I think I'm just most excited just to get this energy-sapping kidney-kicking thing out of me.

I'm also finding it extremely difficult to love this baby already. It sounds horrible. It feels horrible. But all I know about this thing is that it hurts me, keeps me up at night (which is a big deal, sleeping is my Favorite Activity!), and makes people stare at me in public. I hate feeling like I'm unable to do everyday things because I get dizzy after standing too long, or I end up out of breath, or my Braxton Hicks can be so severe that I'm afraid to drive. I'm scared of childbirth, and with most people I know being so negative about my natural-birth intentions, it's hard not to start believing them.

My mother is the worst about this. She's always asking if I've been talking to the baby, singing to the baby, or cuddling with my stomach. She tells me that I'm supposed to be playing music for her and talking to her in Spanish so that she'll be bilingual when she's born. I'm not sure how some women really enjoy their pregnancy so much and want to do it again and again. I worry about my ability to parent when the baby is here because I don't already love her. I want to meet her, get to know her, get to at least Hold Her outside of my belly. I worry that I won't be able to love her.

People keep asking us about names, but I find it so hard to even think about. How do I name this little thing that I don't know and doesn't even feel like a person yet? The closest I've come is calling it Squidgit, which sounds adorable and endearing, but is really just because it makes me feel squidgy and sick more often than not. 

Even now I feel horrible about this post. I feel like I shouldn't publish it because it's full of terrible things. Still, I planning on being honest, truthful, and open. Maybe my experiences with this will help another mother-to-be, maybe another mother will make me feel less alone.. or maybe I'll just feel worse and delete it later.



  1. I think this is very understandable. I always wondered how a parent could pick out a name for their kid without even seeing them.

  2. Don't worry or feel guilt. A lot of us mama's feel the same way you do. Its normal. It took me weeks to even realize I loved my first child. I took great care of her but I was in shock. Now the second time around I didn't sweat the pregnancy hate. I even made jokes to strangers about how not excited I was. "Old News". "Done it before". "Pregnancy is torture".

    I promise it will get better soon. The third trimester is hard. You'll start to get little breaks in the uncomfortableness as you get closer to your due date any your body finally gets used to the little tadpole. I liked to tell my self how easy labor would be after 10 months of constant pain and discomfort. Only a day or two of hard work and then you can lay down on your tummy and really stretch out.

    (I am a compulsive over commenter)

  3. I totally feel you. I don't think I love my baby yet either(I'm due in 3 days) but i think thats ok. You can't love someone you don't know. I have never been a mom before and I don't know how to do it. It's scary, but it has to be better than being uncomfortalbe all the time like I am now. And about the natural birth; it's hard to not let people get into your head. Someone told me not to be a hero by having a natural birth, like somehow it's just a silly idea that obviously won't work. But it's more than that to me. Try not to listen when people tell you crap like that.

    You'll be ok and you'll be a good mom. Oh and babies can't be bilingual since they don't even speak 1 language.

  4. Ashley: I love your comments!! I tend to doubt that people want to hear what I have to say, so I don't comment nearly as much as I should. I love your blog though! and I can't wait to lay on my tummy!! I flopped down on it on accident the other day on the bed, somehow having a huge belly still really surprises me!

  5. Sarah: thank you so much for the comment! It helps so much to know that I'm not alone in any of this. I think it's easy to feel isolated, especially considering that I'm the only person married, let alone pregnant in my group of friends that I see often (I have online friends and people I get to see maybe once a year who have children, but no one close enough to really feel connected to). Thank you so much for the comment!