I'm somewhere in my 8th month of pregnancy (I'm due either June 6th or June 12th, depending on how you're measuring due dates, my estimated date of conception puts me at June 6th, my ultrasound puts us at June 12th, but if I had normal cycles, I'd be due around May 30th!). I'm huge, the baby is moving a TON, and I'm exhausted. Last night, for example, I woke up just about once an hour to pee or generally feel uncomfortable, and now they're working on the roofs, so much for napping.
I keep getting comments from friends, family, and complete strangers about how much I must love the baby already and how excited I must be, and it almost always succeeds in making me feel horrible. To be honest, I'm excited, I guess, but I'm mostly nervous. I never thought that I'd be married and have a child. EVER. But in the past two years, since meeting J, everything has changed. I'm completely ill-prepared to handle a child, I'm not even sure that I've ever changed a diaper before! I think I'm just most excited just to get this energy-sapping kidney-kicking thing out of me.
I'm also finding it extremely difficult to love this baby already. It sounds horrible. It feels horrible. But all I know about this thing is that it hurts me, keeps me up at night (which is a big deal, sleeping is my Favorite Activity!), and makes people stare at me in public. I hate feeling like I'm unable to do everyday things because I get dizzy after standing too long, or I end up out of breath, or my Braxton Hicks can be so severe that I'm afraid to drive. I'm scared of childbirth, and with most people I know being so negative about my natural-birth intentions, it's hard not to start believing them.
My mother is the worst about this. She's always asking if I've been talking to the baby, singing to the baby, or cuddling with my stomach. She tells me that I'm supposed to be playing music for her and talking to her in Spanish so that she'll be bilingual when she's born. I'm not sure how some women really enjoy their pregnancy so much and want to do it again and again. I worry about my ability to parent when the baby is here because I don't already love her. I want to meet her, get to know her, get to at least Hold Her outside of my belly. I worry that I won't be able to love her.
People keep asking us about names, but I find it so hard to even think about. How do I name this little thing that I don't know and doesn't even feel like a person yet? The closest I've come is calling it Squidgit, which sounds adorable and endearing, but is really just because it makes me feel squidgy and sick more often than not.
Even now I feel horrible about this post. I feel like I shouldn't publish it because it's full of terrible things. Still, I planning on being honest, truthful, and open. Maybe my experiences with this will help another mother-to-be, maybe another mother will make me feel less alone.. or maybe I'll just feel worse and delete it later.