Tuesday, April 05, 2011

When has it been "long enough"?

I'm in a weird spot right now. I have been separated from my daughter's father since early December. While he still makes me incredibly angry, I am starting to finally actually look around and see that there are other people out there who might... you know... be worth my time.

I'm torn... I really want to be back in the world, meeting people and going on dates, but I'm not sure how much I'm ready for.

Most of the anger at my ex is over his continued lying and the fact that he consistently chooses his own comfort and desires over even seeing his daughter. Yeah, it's been almost 3 weeks since he's last seen her, and he's disappeared for two other weeks before this. One of those weeks he told me that he was on a trip to 'contemplate his mistakes'... just more lies.

Still, I worry that his ability to effect me emotionally means that I'm not ready to consider anyone else in my life.

It's also hard because River is so constantly attached to me. It's not like I can leave her with her grandparents and expect her to even be able to nap, she needs to breastfeed to sleep. While I would expect anyone I dated to be ok with River, I couldn't ask someone to always have her around.. the relationship needs to be about the two adults first, I'm not looking for a father for her or something.

In happier news: River has an uncle. A friend of mine who is surprisingly amazing with her decided that he's her uncle. I'm cool with that :-)

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