The night before was another hard night for me. I had taken some benadryl before bed, so I was ridiculously groggy. River had woken up some time in the early morning hours, was having trouble latching on, and was getting quite fussy. Since I wasn't really able to wake up fully, I don't remember much of this, but apparently I was refusing to let J help with anything, saying that it was fathers day so he should get a full night of sleep. Eventually, with me crying, I let him change her diaper and help get us into bed. After that, River still would not latch or stop fussing, and I, in my Benadryl-induced stupor, kept getting more and more frustrated. I guess some craziness happened after that on my part (mostly half-asleep ramblings and a strange inability to differentiate sleep from wakefulness (according to J)).
One part that I do remember from that long night was J telling me that I shouldn't make a big deal about fathers day because he didn't even really feel like a dad. I know he's having a hard time right now because he's not able to feed the baby and she spends SO MUCH time eating! I know he feels helpless when she starts to get fussy and it's only mommy's boobs that can sooth her.
So, later in the day, I made a card for him with River's help (ok, I used traced her hand), and on the inside I wrote:
To the best baby daddy and kitty daddy,
I know you say you don't feel like much of a father yet,
But it's just because you are such a natural.
Love you so much,
Cheryl and River.
Unfortunately, J had to work through his first fathers day and I ended up going to my family's fathers day dinner with River. I was sad to spend the day separate.
Today is Gaming Day (basically, every monday, we have a group of friends over and play Warhammer, D&D, or WoW, though I haven't been playing much lately). He's downstairs with a big group of people while I am upstairs with little River who I am convinced is having a growth spurt because she WON'T STOP EATING! She starts fussing whenever she isn't attached.